Special Features

Bravo! has done it again!  Yes, they have come up with another great, pointless reality show called Project Runway, hosted by the gorgeous, deal-with-the-devil beauty, Heidi Klum.  The last time I saw Heidi, she did a cameo for the hit show Sex & The City, and her one line was, "How do I look?"  She then flowed over Carrie Bradshaw on, you guessed it, the runway.  Stunning as ever and very pregnant (although I was relieved to see that her legs looked thick, at least she's retaining something), she arrives for a second season on the Bravo channel to say the now famous words of, "Are you in, or are you out?"  "They sew, she cuts" is how they advertise this great fun of judging people who clearly have little talent and need to keep their current jobs.

Here's the skinny and sweet:  The winner receives $100,000 to launch their own line of clothing (that doesn't sound like much to me, maybe they can't give away as much as Fox - the winner here doesn't even get spending money!), a 2007 Saturn Roadster (nice), and a spread in Elle magazine (Elle who?  I can't remember the last time I saw that B.S. of a magazine at the grocery store-why Elle when you can have Vogue?  Elle is for those just past seventeen and pushing twenty-three, I'm just sayin'.) featuring their line and the winning model presenting the collection.  Then put on television how sixteen people duke it out with fabric and broken sewing machines.  Each week there is a new challenge and a new winner of that particular project and of course, a loser.

What does the loser get you may ask?  A thank-God-it-wasn't-me hug, a gay genuine tear (probably of joy), and ten seconds to realize that you in fact suck big toes and have to clean up your shit and go back to whatever untalented breeding land you came from.  Cool, huh?  Famous today, nothing tomorrow.  The wicked world casts another shadow on the pipe dreams of yet another pathetic individual who actually conceived the thought that they stood a chance.  Loooooser!

Speaking of losers, at least these people got on the show in the first place.  In their own little la-la land of a world they consider themselves a success . . . and so do I.  Am I on the show designing clothing out of supermarket materials-NO.  That said, I'm going to ridicule the first and second season going back and forth so you get confused enough that you will feel obligated to watch the show to figure out what the Hell I'm talking about. The first season of Project Runway was hilarious!  Everybody was a character in a non-flattering way.  It did make for great entertaining.  It's been too long for me to remember all the names (not even half), but I do remember Austin, Jay (the winner of last season), the black woman with a funny name, the Asian girl that didn't last long, Daniel somebody who ended up on the second season too-lucky bastard, and some bitch (Wendy Pepper, who a friend of mine just remembered) with glasses who claimed someone drew a mustache on her daughter's picture.  That's all I can remember, forgive me.  Want to know how I got entranced by all this?  I didn't think so, but tough shit, it's my column.

On some random Wednesday I was flipping through the channels desperately looking for something remotely entertaining or even somewhat interesting on TV (there's never anything on TV on Wednesdays), I would have even settled for Columbo, alas I came across this reality show and became hooked within five minutes.  My husband came in and glanced at what I was watching and got sucked in to the show himself.  (This never happens.)  Maybe it's the creativity involved or the characters or even Heidi, but who cares?  The network guys actually came up with a show that is unscriptively (a new word-I'm a writer, I can do that) funny and doesn't require singing.  Thank you!!!  

Screw the first season (sorry guys), I don't live in the past.  Let's get into the fresher part of my drunken memory and ridicule the current season before it even ends.  Okay we've got Andrae (googly-eyed-guy), Chloe (an asian girl), Dan F. (Dan F. who?  Oh yeah, the guy from the first season who apparently did not humiliate himself concretely enough and came back for more; plus he's actually straight.), Nick (very sweet gay guy who sweats a lot), Zulema (the black chick whom no one likes, and don't forget the funny name), Diana, Raymundo, John, Kirsten, Maria (who are these people?  I only know their names from the web site, although I kinda remember Raymundo, but who cares?), Kara (the English girl who is a bit annoying even with her hot accent), and of course, the arrogant, conceited, asshole of the show who only stands a chance because of his attitude - Santino.  One of the chicks I can't remember was Asian too and had one of those monotone, soft, mouse-like voices that made you want to suffocate her.  These are the "characters" of the show.  

The judges are Heidi (duh, weren't you paying attention?), Michael Kors (a fashion designer, need I say more?), and some fashion director named Nina Garcia from Elle magazine.  Sometimes there's a special guest judge like a socialite (Nikki Hilton), or figure skater (Sasha Cohen), or supermodel (like Iman), or a rockstar, Barbie even made a debut, but she didn't judge -- she can't talk, she's a doll, hello!!  -- or even the post office (that was a good one from the first season).  Hey!  I forgot about Emmett.  Yes that is his real name.  Pretty cute for a gay guy.  Let's not forget the super glue that holds models to their garments and can rip you several new assholes:  the one, the only, the gayest of the gays, Tim Gunn, director of Parsons school of fashion where this kindergarten class of homosexuals takes place.  Except the women, I don't know who's straight or a closeted snatch grabber.  What am I, a biologist?


Last night I was watching the reunion special of the outs and the final three.  Hilarious!!  Where do they find these people?  Everyone got to meet face to face and witness the left-handed comments made about each other and their designs.  At least no one walked off the stage this time (yes, I'm talking about you Wendy Pepper - sore loser jerk).  There was a lot to say about Andrae.  First off, he has a problem deciding what country he's from.  Is he English, Is he French, does he have multiple personality disorder, or is he German?  During the reunion he couldn't conjure up an excuse, but he perceived the notion that somehow he and Madonna had the same speech therapist growing up.  Interesting, tell us more, Andrae.  In the beginning of the season he had a nervous breakdown on the runway that lasted for over ten minutes.  The judges just asked him how far he would go for fashion.  Apparently to a mental hospital.  Santino couldn't hold the snickering laughter in, probably thinking, "What a maroon."  

Speaking of Santino, tsk, tsk.  Everyone hates this guy, even with his signature plaid, ugly hats.  No one wants him to win even if he finally proves to everyone that he actually deserves to be there.  He tends to hit below the belt when it comes to comments about the other designers.  "I didn't come here to make friends," says the lunatic who desperately needs to see a dentist.  The reunion shows this montage of  potentially suicide inducing comments, but Santino says that in actuality he's a compassionate person.  The rest of the cast burst into laughter.  However obnoxious and mean, he can be quite the entertainer  impersonating Tim Gunn and fantasizing a scenario between Andrae and Tim having a gay tiff at Red Lobster.  Outstanding.  Let's not forget the singing of show tunes behind the scenes.  You really had to see it.

This show advertised by vacuuming dish soap also produces a crazy, bitch ass bitch named Zulema with incredible unfinished talent.  She got to the pants hangers first so refused to share.  Meow!  She also kept pinning her models' backs and asking if she could glue the dress onto them.  She couldn't understand why the model was uncooperative if modeling is her job.  Plus, to look more like the devil, intentionally took someone else's model just because the rules said she could.  What a skank.  "I don't care if you cry and cut, but you'd better cut."   Is what she shared with Kara, who now is understandably in therapy.

Then there's Daniel F. from the first season.  Hmm. . . what's this guy's story?  He felt he didn't get a chance to prove himself in the first season so he came back.  Wasn't the first try your chance?  Then in the second season he tells the judges he'll take the blame for the fuck-ups in the design.  Is he coming or going?  Does he want to stay or not?  Is he sane or insane?  Why won't this guy just go home?  The judges have made themselves perfectly clear that you can't cut it.  Take a hint!  By this point he's practically part of the staff.  The producers are like, "Fuck it, we're offering you a job."  Maybe he just looms around outside Parsons and the runway like a stray dog wearing a big sign that says, "WILL DESIGN FOR FOOD."   He's not going to go away if you keep feeding him, Heidi.

The women in the show are pretty quiet and are a bit boring (I'm not including Zulema in this statement, naturally), but they do bring the testosterone levels down a tad.  However, the guys bring in a lot of estrogen as well, so whatd'ya get?  I have no idea.  A lot of bitchy women I guess.  I can probably include Daniel V. in this category who is a great designer that has a solid chance of winning at Olympus fashion week.  He's not very entertaining and is quiet and generally keeps to himself -- probably a heroin addict.  He is a skeleton.  All Tim can do is say, "Make it work."

Tim Gunn is suicidingly (I told you I can do that) honest.  You hear a lot of: "I'm worried; I'm looking at this and thinking ugh; someone has to be cut; do you want this dress to say 'look at my big fat ass?'; I'm worried about the feminine overtones (for a man's suit); I hear you do an impression of me, Santino; Andrae, it looks like you're doing yard work; What is this?; Times up;  Make it work people."  He is hilariously brutal!

All this Parsons Asylum brings us is the next big fashion designer in which we, the non-entertaining, lack of fifteen minutes of fame public cannot afford.  At least it was fun to watch.  The season isn't over yet, so look for more outbursts later this month when I miraculously come up with a conclusion predicted already by my palm reader.  Are you in, or are you out?  As I've explained, most of them are out.  See you in season three, Daniel F. (Which stands for, "Fuck you, I'm not going anywhere") from the first season!  Aveda Zees!  Or whatever the fuck Heidi says when you're out.

C. Lo is a guest contributor for IRREVERENT.  Her own blog is at Stretch Life Out.