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I think it's a conspiracy. Chemicals in the water we're drinking and in our food are shrinking our manhoods and enlarging our breasts (if we're men). I have no idea what's evolving in women. But I wouldn't be surprised if their tits are shriveling and they're growing a similar reproducing organ that formally only men had.

I'll eventually reach the point where I'll look like a dwarf Paris Hilton.  

I'll turn myself on looking in the mirror. But I don't want that. That's obnoxious. That's deviant.

We're turning into a world of bisexual worms. Why? Why?

You don't know what's in the synthetic food you've been eating. Steroids and preservatives and formaldehydes and cyclamates and hydrocortisone and ozone and cyclo-glutimate and bitimni-carbon-dioxus and God knows what else.

I'm shrinking. It's shrinking!

Ancient people ate whole grains. They had small bodies but huge reproductive organs. They didn't live long with dinosaurs and no medicine, but life was sweet. A truly big man had twenty wives and more waiting. We don't anymore. We eat flavored plastic. Ancient peoples enjoyed the elongating properties of wheat. Why do you think a stalk of wheat is long?  

It makes other things long too. That's what I want.

Asian people. They ate rice. And fish. For centuries. Rice is nice, and good for you, but it doesn't have the make-big properties wheat does. That's why Asian people are short.

I went to Disneyland. All the Asians crowding the park were six-foot-four. What's up with that?

Why are Asians suddenly tall? Because our government has been sending them hamburgers. They're eating junk food and more wheat.  

So they're growing. Even though the chemicals shrink your thing, if you're small to begin with, you have to get a little bigger. So, they're getting bigger.

True, they now have more heart disease. Like us, they have big bodies and weak hearts. But they're looking at us equally now eye-to-eye. They stopped wearing Mao jackets, and wear suits and ties. They're getting richer and can afford boxer shorts. They're rising up in stature, and I'm coming down.

I'm all for diversity, but who can stand to look at a giant Chinaman? It's repellant!  


I need my Asians small. Just like any patriotic American, I want to feel superior by looking down on them. How can you swagger around if you're shrinking with a tiny (growing smaller) penus?

You can't swagger that way. Just try and swagger with a tiny nub. You don't feel any confidence. Do you? I highly doubt it. I used to swagger a lot. I was a big swaggerer. Not now.

I wouldn't be surprised if the food and water are radioactive too. Do you check yourself to see if you glow in the dark? This could help people who have bad eyesight to have sex in a dark room, but c'mon! That can't be good.

I'm going to take this to Capitol Hill and tell the sonsofbitches that if the government of this country continues to allow the poisoning of its own people….I'm going to file a massive lawsuit that will tie the bastards up for decades, or at least until I show some evidence of growth in the shower with my next measurement.


©2006, SammonSays.com.  Reprinted with permission.