IRREVERENT News

AUSTIN, TEXAS - Representatives of the Department of Homeland Security yesterday put down the cyborg Cheney 2006 using a mixture of military and conventional weaponry.

In what security officials are calling a "terrorist exploit of a critical security flaw" in the cyborg's "underlying operating system," Cheney 2006 went on a murderous rampage yesterday while engaged in a friendly hunting expedition, killing 23 high-dollar Republican donors and wounding 119 members of state and federal paramilitary organizations. Software experts in the DHS have called the incident "tragic," yet underscore how "vitally important" it is "to regularly update critical security patches" in cybernetic organisms.

The Cheney 2006 was equipped with dual forward-mounted 50mm machine guns and secondary grenade launchers, outfitted with flash-bang, incendiary, and high-explosive grenade payloads. As of this writing, Crawford-ranch spokesman Scott McClellan was unavailable for comment, but West Wing Svengali Karl Rove was seen laughing like a child and repeating, mantra-like, "Good, good, good."

"It took our soldiers nearly 3 hours to put the thing down," said General Norman Killphot, speaking at a hastily called press conference in Austin, "and only then after we deployed several advanced weapon systems that are still classified."

In an unrelated story, NRA spokesman Charlton Heston remains missing after a lengthy investigation failed to uncover any evidence of wrong-doing at the actor's Beverly Hills estate. Spokespeople for the NRA, however, have confirmed their "keen interest" in seeking the Vice-Presidential Cyborg as their new national public relations representative.