IRREVERENT News

Citing the recent troubles with the Cheney 2006 Cybernetic Vice Presidentialator and the unfortunate incident with El Vice Presidenté himself, Heston once again sounded the NRA fluglehorn for looser gun control laws.  "Look, it was clearly the victim's fault in this case.  I mean who the hell gets close to a complete freaking paranoid carrying a 28 gauge shotgun?  I wouldn't. You wouldn't.  Hell we're smart.  So please let's stop blaming the victim, or tool in the case of the vice preside....er...cyborg, and strive for rational gun policy in this county."

Heston then went on to applaud the quick thinking vice president who clearly felt his life was threatened despite the cordon of secret service agents nearby.  "Well look, obviously they were hunting right? And we all know how easily secret service agents can blend into the background.  Well dress those guys in hunting gear and even in the orangest of vests they're going to be practically invisible.  Now it would be a mistake to say that the vice president is the most loved guy in the world.  Hell there's a website out there the refers to him as  "Darth Vader." It's Irreverent Magazine, www.irrmag.com, or some fool thing.  Well when a guy's got enemies like that he's going to get jumpy.  Couple that with the apparent disappearance of his security, well no wonder he's quick on the trigger.  Personally I like a guy that can defend himself.  No wonder he's so good at defending the country."

In keeping with NRA national policy, Heston reminded the gathered press corps that "guns don't kill people, sneaking up on armed vice presidents with sociopathic tendencies kills people.  Oh, and damned dirty apes, they kill people too.  Oh and making Soylent Green outta them."  

Stocks of arms manufacturers rose following the press conference, leading to a brief rally on Wall Street.  The gains were given back in late trading however when horse riding chimpanzees stormed into the New York Stock Exchange and began throwing nets over everybody.