"Well I should have known better than to shoot a lawyer in the head," the President of Vice told reporters today after White House Spokesbot Scott McClellan ran out of excuses and forced the Veep to confront reporters. "But you know you can't shoot 'em in the heart, and shooting them in the balls don't do no good. I just, you know, panicked." When asked why he decided to take a turn at hunting humans, the Vice President responded, "Well it sure was hell wasn't inspired by some fucking Onion article that's for sure. Besides he was a lawyer, they ain't human, I should know." Despite the presence of a covey of secret service agents, no one in the hunting party was able to administer a killing shot to the wounded legal eagle and he was last seen limping off in the company of a herd of EMTs. Later in the day, the buck was run to ground at a local hospital where he was given the state of the art in Texas healthcare: a stiff shot of bourbon and a bullet to bite on as the local sawbones pulled out the pellets. Surgeons expressed confidence that the lawyer will be released back into the wild within a few weeks.
Wall Street was mixed on the first trading day after news of the incident. Stocks of blaze orange clothing manufacturers rose sharply, while the possibility that Cheney might be cited for hunting illegally sent energy stocks tumbling.
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