IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice President Dick "Vader" Cheney, who for years was rumored by IRREVERENT Magazine to be the earthbound incarnation of the most sinister of the Sith lords confirmed that identity to reporters this weekend.

At a hastily called press conference intended to be hidden by news coverage of Olympic Curling and the Daytona 500 pre-game show, the reclusive Vice President admitted to reporters that he was indeed Lord Vader, Master of the Dark Side of the Force, failed Jedi, Evil-doer of Good, Completer of the Circle 1st class, and Chief Mouth Breather for the Empire.  Citing nearly continuous badgering by IRREVERENT reporters as the reason for admitting his true identity, Cheney tearfully told both of the assembled press corps reporters that as a wee lad he was led astray by Emperor Palpatine, a former senator.  "It's why I have such an adversarial relationship with the legislative branch," a sobbing Cheney confessed.

Political experts expressed dismay and consternation at the Vice President's revelation.  Reached for comment at the Home for Liberals Unable to Get Arrested Anymore, Al "Dude, What Happened to My Career" Franken appeared to say, "Well we thought it had been declared over.  I mean now I've got to come up with more material for all of the listeners at Air America.  And let me tell you, Mom's a tough critic."  At FOX "We Report, You Parrot Mindlessly"News, Bill "No Rinse Zone" O'Reilly, seemed exasperated that the cable pundit's declaration that "the news cycle was over on this one" no longer appeared operative.  "Look, the Olympics were supposed to cut the mike on this damn story.  And there's really no story here.  OK? Now get th' hell out of my office!  I've got some phone calls to make."

Reached for comment at the secret IRREVERENT hideout at 1503 Elm Street in Hidden Bunker, Minnesota,  Chief Washington Hack Tyrone Mercer said that the Vice President's identity was confirmed by the actions of shooting victim James Whittington.  "Look, the guy was shot in the face, put in a Texas hospital, suffered a heart attack, and what's the first thing the tough ol' sum bitch does?  Kick Cheney's ass? Sue him to smithereens?  No, he goes to the first Microphone Conveniently Located Near the Front Doors(tm) he can find and apologizes.  Tell me that's not mind control.  Oh, hey, you guys seen any Danish au pairs?"

The Amazing Randi, Chief Psychic Debunker and All Around Favorite Magician of Skeptics,  speaking from his trolley as he was wheeled in for bypass surgery, confirmed that he may have to award his famous Million Dollar prize to Mercer for uncovering the strong evidence of the Vice President's mind control abilities.  "Look there's no reasonable way anybody gets shot in the face and apologizes for getting in the way of the shooter.  Not in this country and not with this legal system.  No something beyond the Ken of Mortal Man(tm) was at work here and I think we should be grateful to Mr. Mercer for uncovering it. Obviously he realized that this is the droid we're looking for."  The world famous magician then vanished in a puff of smoke leaving his surgeon confused and irritated.

Reaction to the news was mixed on Wall Street where gainers started strong and had far outdistanced losers.  Unfortunately the day took a severe downturn in late trading when the Dow tried a trick move on the final jump and came crashing down on it's cute little blond snowboarder ass.