WASHINGTON - Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist
shocked colleagues and visitors Wednesday by ritually sacrificing a canine on the Senate floor.
"You who stand on the side of Darkness
take heed of my sacrifice," said Frist pointing at leading Democrats, as he donned a long black and red robe over his Brooks Brothers suit. "Meet Fluffkins
, my pure breeder from home," Frist continued, as an adorable Pomeranian was led out on a leash by a dark haired woman in flowing black robes, who handed the leash to Frist. "Now fear my power." With that, the Majority Leader produced a long knife from his robe and proceeded to cut into the adorable pure-bred that had been fastened to a makeshift table in front of the senate secretary.
Finally, Frist produced the dog's bloody heart, still pumping, holding it high above his head and spinning around slowly for all to see. "Watching it beat, the beauty of it," Frist said. "I decided long ago I would spend my life centered around the heart."
At this point, most in the Senate vomited in sheer horror.
Sources close to Frist said his apparent mental collapse
was caused at least partly by a recent Washington Post article
that recalled a shockingly similar incident in the Leader's past.
Wall Street reacted crisply to the Majority Leader's ritualistic pagan sacrifice, shooting shares of Pfizer (NYSE: DEATH), Merck (NYSE: DYING), Abbott (NYSE: DESPAIR) to record highs, and plunging shares of Billy Graham (NYSE: DRK) to a 10 year low on fear of being replaced. Pat Robertson, meanwhile, threatened another foreign head of state with assassination before reportedly crawling the internet looking for "Pomeranian pups," according to well placed NSA sources.