BAGHDAD - Following the death of ringthug Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
, a guy claiming to be Al Qaeda in Iraq has vowed to "build deeper and stronger" bunkers.
"Until now our bunkers have been pretty standard hidey holes," the guy told IRREVERENT. "Mostly made out of rock and all over the place, you know, to avoid the constant shelling, raids and bombings. We honestly hadn't made bunker construction materials a serious priority
over all the other stuff we got going on. In fact, until last week it didn't even make the newsletter."
The guy then showed us a copy of "Terror Today" English-language edition, the official newsletter of Al Qaeda. Sure enough, right on the front page was an in-depth piece detailing "better bunker principles." "When hiding in the desert following an American raid," the article reads, "it is better to seek out large, deep caves whenever possible. Always keep in mind that sooner or later, the American pig-dogs are going to drop a couple 500 pound bombs on your head, so you should prepare for that eventuality when selecting hiding holes."
"Although we all can strongly hate their free-loving, God-less hedonism," the article continues, "you must understand that they also make some pretty big-ass bombs and top notch guidance systems."
The guy has taken the advice seriously. "From now on, all of us are going to look for deeper, stronger bunkers in which to hide, much like your American 'Batman,' and a lot less like the one Saddam [Hussein] used. Talk about your shabby holes. Saddam had us over there once for lunch and the place was a total disaster," the guy said, waxing philosophic. "In fact, I don't think that hole of his would've even been able to take a single 500 pound bomb let alone two or even three. I'll bet he never even thought of that."