SWINAI PENINSULA, Israel—Israeli Defense Forces spokes-rabbi Ariel Bombardmentstein told a hastily called press luncheon today that “Crushing Hezbollah is not like ordering a piece of pizza. It takes time. What we face is an infantry division, well equipped, with state of the art culinary skills.''
The rabbi's remarks brought an immediate and angry reaction from the Israel Pizza and Invasion Company, LP, owners and operators of a chain of Pizza Hut franchises throughout Israel.
“We cannot state strongly enough that crushing Hizbullah is exactly like ordering a pizza,” said company spokes-chef Jung Frankenstein. “Our expert chefs will make, bake, and fire your pizza into your home with maximum civilian casualties. If we don't, it's free. If you prefer, an elite squad of commandos can personally 'neutralize' your neighbors and deliver your Meat Lovers (Not Pork) Pan Pizza right to your door. They'll even cut it with their bayonets. The kids love that. They also love our collectible Israel Defense Force hand grenades, free with every order of Crazy Bread TM !”
Hasbowla fighters delivered a sharply worded response in the warhead of a Katyusha 7 “Messenger” rocket. Written in Farsi, the statement read: “The time has come to show the Zionist invaders who the real pizza is! Introducing the NEW MCPIZZA, everything you want on a pie, only in a bun!”
President Bush, responding to the latest outbreak of violence, told reporters huddled in a dry gulch on his Crawford, Texas ranch that he would be sending Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice back to the area with “a nice bottle of Chianti, that goes good with pizza. But first those mother fuckers have to stop all this goddamn violence and shit. Fuck...is this mic on? Cocksu....” at which point several Secret Service agents tackled the podium wrestling it to the ground.
Wall Street also reacted negatively to Bombarmentstein's statements sending shares of Slice of Cheese, Inc. plummeting. Strong gains for petroleum giant BP, who announced record second quarter profits thanks to cost-savings on pipeline maintenance, failed to make up the loss.