Today millions of Americans voted in the midterm elections on critical national issues such as "who should be allowed to marry whom" and "why an understaffed law enforcement apparatus should be allowed to kill people who are found guilty of capital offences." In Wisconsin, where IRREVERENT is published for tax reasons, the people have decided that marriage should only be allowed between "one man and one woman," or, in the case of multiple marriages, between "one man, and several women, but spread out over time, because polygamy is just too Big Love for us."
"Let's give good old fashioned marriage a chance," said GOP spokesbot Bill Williamson. "We don't need gay people running around ruining the sanctity of divorce. I already pay enough in alimony. Why this relates, exactly, I'm not sure, but I know for certain gay folks shouldn't be allowed to enter into a committed relationship with each other, because that just isn't providing a stable environment for children. Please, won't anyone consider the children!?"
Although nationally it's still too early to call for certain, Democrats and Republicans both remain hopeful that their candidates will be allowed to fuck up the country in their own vastly distinct ways. Yet Democrats remain extremely optimistic that their way of fucking things up will rule the day.
"Woo-Hoo!@" said Nancy Pelosi, who, if Democrats are successful in regaining control of the House, will become the next Speaker. "I'm so happy, I could excrete emotions!"