IRREVERENT News

Long-time live-in girlfriend Trixie, however, was exonerated of the manslaughter charges but was remanded to the Bette Midler Woman's Correctional Facility in Albany for 13 counts of drug and alcohol-related charges as well as 10 counts of public nudity and the "wanton performance of public sex acts."  She was sentenced to 36 months in prison, but will be eligible for parole in 2008.

Speed Racer, however, was sentenced to 39 years in prison and ordered to pay over $3.5 million in resitution to victim's families.  Speed was defended by long-time friend and recent Harvard law graduate Sparky.

The final days of the trial showed a childhood icon hooked on the drunken debauchery of a typical Hollywood lifestyle, that included previously undisclosed video footage taken by vacationing German businessman (the late) Werner Zapruder that graphically documented his final gruesome moments.  The footage clearly showed Speed Racer altering course to strike the aging businessman, and -- in what shocked many observers -- Trixie's head reappearing only moments before over Speed Racer's lap, leading to rampant speculation over why he was driving so fast.

This verdict follows a bizarre stream of violent criminal activity by other childhood icons, including Tigger, Piglet, the kinky murder-suicide of Wilma and Fred Flintstone, and the perpetrator of the largest industrial accident since Chernobyl, Homer J. Simpson.

"Only the most sick and twisted mind could even conceive of something so bizarre and contrary to our most basic values," said Department of Homeland Security spokesperson Robert Robertson.  "Although we continue to investigate any and all outbreaks of celebrity violence, we currently do not suspect the hand of Osama bin Laden or the forces of international terrorism to be behind the recent criminal activities.  Rather, we see them as completely isolated incidents that merely reflect the criminality of our times.  That and the dangers of getting blown in a racecar."