IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.

WARSHINGTON - Senator John Kerry announced today that he was making all of his speechwriting staff available to Democratic Presidential candidates.

“Look we Democrats wish to win back the White House,” the Senator might have told reporters had they gathered at his hastily called press conference.  “If we learned anything during the last eight years it's that misspeaking is a great way to endear yourself to the stupid rubes that make up working class America.  To that end I'm making all of my speechwriters available to any candidate who wishes to hire them.”

Two hot blond “pole-takers” on Kerry's staff, asking not to be identified because “they're not supposed to talk just look pretty, plus there's like the whole age thing,” said that Senator Joe Biden had already snapped up the best of Kerry's speechwriters.  “Yeah, like that was the guy who said if you're stupid you go into the army,” said Blond Number 1.  “Oh yeah! Hey he was cute!,” added Blond Number 2.  “Say you're cute too,” Blond Number One told IRREVERENT.  “Do you need us to take any poles? We're really good at taking poles.”

A former Kerry staffer Sources on the John Edwards campaign, requesting anonymity because they were supposed to be blogging and not blabbing, confirmed that the Former Senator from North Carolina ™ hired a couple of “real cuties” from Kerry's staff to handle inflammatory blogging duties.  “You could tell they were Kerry girls,” said one blog-o-nerd, “they were assigned to piss off the Mormons because of Mitt Romney and instead pissed off the Catholics.  Fortunately incompetence is the way Washington works so Edwards has already forgiven them.  We'll be able to stare at the eye candy for a good long time.”  The interview was cut short by the crack of a whip, a shriek of pain and a gutteral North Carolina accented voice growling “back to work you.”

At Republican National Committee headquarters inside FOXNews studios, the mood was sombre on the announcement of Senator Kerry's largess.  “Well where the hell does that leave us?” asked a Media Specialist who declined to be named when talking about Republican Media Strategy ™.  “I mean we had all kinds of things on tap after Obama announced his addiction to nicotine.  Headlines like “Obama Likes to Suck Fags” were all ready to roll.  Now...well all of that's out the window.  We've got O'Reilly on standby, but the beast has to be fed, man, 24/7, we can't wait for new gaffes!  Thank god Nancy Pelosi wanted a bigger plane, at least we got something for Hannity to gripe about.”  

On Wall Street, reaction to the news was mixed but gainers generally outpaced losers.  Top performer on the day, News Analysts Inc. (PNDT), a booking agency that places experts on news shows, saw its stock price triple.  Holders of Rational Ink Inc.(RINK), a political consulting firm specializing in media relations who claims they have been helping candidates “Bring Reasoned Debate Back to Politics Since 2:30 p.m. Thursday,”  the stock was declared worthless on February 8, 2007 at 2:49 p.m. EST.

 

IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.

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