IRREVERENT News

It is not known what prompted the 8km long South Pacific island nation to withdraw it's troops, but it does follow a pattern set by Great Britian, and, we think Denmark or maybe Norway.  Nauruan President Ludwig Scotty, at a sparsely attended press conference today (just me), called the move "strategic" and "necessary.. because the squad is needed back home during the rainy season."

In their report, CIA analysts have noted that the withdrawl comes at "a particularly fragile time" for U.S.-Nanru relations, a time when a mounting trade war over phosphorous exports have threatened to "mildly impact" at least three minor U.S. towns and causing upwards of 1 job loss at the firm of U.S. Phosphorus Importing, LLC, a two man company which sells it's product entirely on eBay.  "I won't be able to pay Herb at all this week, thanks to those Nauruans," said Joe Johnson, president, CEO and head of phosphorous bottling at the company.  Herb was unavailable for comment as he was applying for a position at Wal Mart at the time.

The impact to the U.S. led coalition forces, as concluded in the CIA report, however, is more opaque.  The 5 man Nauruan squad was stationed at a single mess hall at a U.S. base outside Tikrit, run by Halliburton.  The Nauruan chefs were, by all accounts, "more or less competent employees" but lacked any of the culinary skills possessed by "average U.S. prison workers."  According to Captain James Jameson, the soldier's immediate supervisor, however, the chefs were "famous all over Baghdad" for their "slightly seasoned crinkle cut fries."  This report remained unconfirmed as of filing.

Wall Street shrugged and grunted a bit at the news of the Nauruan withdrawl, asking to please pass the ketchup as it gobbled down 5 Arby's cheddar-roast-beef sandwiches and burped.