IRREVERENT News

Senator DeFrist's troubles began almost a year ago this week with allegations of "gang bestiality," "fellating multiple choir boys" from his home state, "beating small mammals to death" with a tire iron, "drinking the blood of known virgins," and "actively participating... in Satanic rituals" with long time friend and campaign donor Reverend Brian Moore of the Church of Satan.

Throughout the media circus, support for the often publicly drunken Senator was unwavering among Republican leadership, who continued to call the founding member of the Coalition for Wholesome Family Values a "valued friend" to "conservatives and church-going folks alike."  Long time spiritual advisor Pat Robertson likewise remained steadfast in support of Senator DeFrist, often urging viewers of the televangelist's show to "send direct financial contributions" to each of the Senator's 19 legal defense funds with post-office boxes in all fifty states.

At one of the Senator's bookings, seventh ex-wife Brigid DeFrist stood by her ex-husband and supported him, often physically, along with their three children.  "My husband may not be perfect," she told reporters, "but who can cast the first stone, huh?"  Speaking again to reporters after a lengthy stay at the Betty Ford Clinic, Brigid reiterated her earlier support.  "As long as the checks keep coming, I'll support that son-of-a-bitch no matter how many goats he blows."

The stock market soared overseas on news of the Senator's complete vindication, with all shares gaining in an unprecedented display of capitalist unification.  Awakened from his afternoon pre-nap, President Bush echoed the markets, calling DeFrist "a nice guy" before asking advisor Karl Rove for "just five more minutes."