IRREVERENT News

"It appears as though Americans have grown weary of the same political, ideological, and economic systems that have dominated American thinking for the past three centuries," said Dirk Dirkensen of the Phew Research Conglomerate, LP.  "As a result, oh whatever."

Although many causes are cited for the overwhelming state of indifference, notable psychological commentators have pointed to the "new American sense of... terrorist readiness" as a leading contributor.  "When you have no idea whether you're having a RED or ORANGE day, and those definitions are spurious at best, one cannot help but be filled with a sense of impending doom.  Eventually, that melts into a generalized stress reaction, which eventually manifests itself as an all-consuming apathy," said John Jacob-Meier-Schmidt of the Jung Institute for Psychological Impairment, a non-profit advocacy group. 

Respondents for the poll, when any answers at all were given, indicated a 87.7% inclination toward total apathy in regard to the current state of global politics, domestic politics, or personal motivation.  "Who cares?" was the number one open-text response to each poll question, followed closely by, "Who gives a s**t?" 

Against our expectations, Wall Street reacted apathetically to the poll results, ignoring most of our questions and opting instead to track the movements of infamous celebrity Paris Hilton via the World Wide Web or watching humorous YouTube take-offs of the "screwing with Big Foot" advertising campaigns.