U.S.S. PARIS HILTON - In a speech today aboard the U.S.S. Paris Hilton, President Bush told Pakistani president Gen. Pervez Musharraf that he should "take off his uniform," stepping down as head of the army and swiftly hold elections.

President Bush addressed servicemen aboard the U.S.S. Paris Hilton Wednesday.Speaking to servicemen and reporters aboard the Gulf's flagship for Iraqi operations, President Bush pulled few punches when addressing the Pakistani leader.  "You can't be the president and the head of the military at the same time," he said to popular applause.  "My message is clear: we believe very much in elections over here, and you guys should believe in them too.  Sure, we may have a few hanging chads or malfunctioning electronic voting machines, but all in all we believe very strongly in people's ability to go and vote for one of two rich white guys who will lead our nation."

The Commander in Chief also addressed V.A. medical care, tour-of-duty extensions, and food stamps, topics of interest to the military servicemen aboard, often to wild applause and cheering.  "I want to make sure that when ya'll gets yer..ahh.. toes blowed off fighting the forces of terror, some jerk in a hospital ain't eye-fuckin' ya when yer asleep.  That just ain't right."  No context for the President's remarks were available as of filing.

President Musharraf, too exhausted from a record day of detentions, executions, and mass imprisonment of all dissenters, did not comment directly on any of the President's remarks, however aides close to the military strongman have hinted that Musharraf was "pretty pissed" at being told what to do with his own country.  Aides say the leader is still "firmly committed" to a course of "peace and democracy... as soon as he crushes all those who oppose him."

Wall Street, having recently lost it's house to foreclosure, didn't show up for work at all today, opting instead for a self-indulgent orgy of comfort food, pity sex, and videogames over at his girlfriend's apartment.  The two are roundly expected to "get hitched" as soon as he finds a home he can afford.

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