IRREVERENT News

GSTAAD- Global Health Authorities announced this week that the dreaded Swine Flu (aka H1N1) would "inevitably wipe out the human race."

Dr. Don Johnson (no relation Melanie Griffith's ex-husband) of the World Hysteria Organization (WHO2) made the announcement at a hastily prepared press conference outside the organization's Gstaad, Switzerland World Headquarters, a mile and a half from the Hall of Justice.  "We are confident in reporting our conclusion to the world press corps because it is completely consistent with our stated mission of spreading hysteria to those who refuse to think critically or do any further investigation."

Dr. Johnson then opened a ream of copy paper and held up hundreds of sheets.  "As this data conclusively shows, Swine Flu will be directly responsible for wiping out the human race and validating all those 'Life Without Man' television shows on cable."  Dr. Johnson then handed the papers to an aide, who restocked their photocopier.  "We urge the nations of the world to act irrationally and irresponsibly in defense of this threat, by enacting repressive, knee-jerk policies, hopefully draconian, by preventing any citizen from travelling across national borders."

Reaction from the actual WHO, the World Health Organization, was swift.  "More people die by being trampled by donkeys in any given year than have died from the H1N1 virus," said Dr. Stan Standford, WHO's Director of Infectious Disease Pathology.  "Once again, the WHO2 has made another baseless claim just because their headquarters is close to the Hall of Justice, and Superman knows a few of their guys personally."

Wall Street reacted positively to the notion of another hysterical outbreak of selling by shorting all major exchanges in a frenzy of profiteering.  Caught by the watercooler near the financial services pit, the Street smiled and did a line of coke.