IRREVERENT News

HOLLYWOOD - Reflecting on recent celebrity deaths, Celebrity Stalker Local 437 held a peaceful "unity" rally today on the "walk of fame."

"Nobody mourns the non-criminal celebrity death more than your [Celebrity Stalker Local Union]," said Melvin Standish, an overweight, nearsighted data entry clerk for a major insurance company and President of Hollywood Local 437.  "Yet nobody considers us, the men and women who knew them most intimately, most privately, and in many cases, those who have thousands of their bodily artifacts and clothing items spanning decades."  Standish addressed supporters wearing a badly bleach-stained blue dress shirt -- pulled from BIlly May's personal garbage in 1982 -- and a false black beard.  "My shirt, for instance, is the very one Billy [Mays] threw out before deciding to endorse Oxi-Clean.  I shall miss him deeply."

Stalkers from all over the world turned out for the rally, coming as far as India, where impoverished "Slumdog MIllionaire" child-actor Azharuddin Mohammed is popularly stalked.  Most wore remnants of their prey, from poster-boards featuring toenail or other clippings, to torn clothing items and, in some cases, body parts.

"This is," one stalker said, speaking through streams of tears, "Michael [Jackson's] very first nose."

Police in attendance, meanwhile, were decidedly mixed in their reaction as many of the stalkers in attendance were named in numerous active complaints, court orders, and outstanding criminal cases.  "We're here to maintain order," said Sargeant Mandy Sailors.  "They have a right to peacably assemble, and so far nobody's broken any laws or anything to warrant questioning.  This shit wouldn't happen if [President] Bush was still around."

The rally ended without incident around lunch time.  Wall Street failed to react at all, having just finished a vigorous work out routine than included dumping bank stocks and buying gold futures.