NewzFEDERAL CORRECTIONAL COMPLEX, BUTNER, NC -- Inmate #61727-054, aka "Bernie Madoff" has been definitively linked to an escalating five state cigarette shortage affecting the entire northeastern seaboard.
"Give me just three cigarettes today," reads one inmate promotional flier confiscated by authorities in #61727-054's cell, "and by the end of the week, I'll give you a whole pack!" The flier, promising a return of over 600% on "invested" cigarettes, reportedly swept through federal prison inmates "like a California wildfire," leaving stores, Indian reservations, and other suppliers completely out of stock.
What began as a localized inconvenience has spread into a multi-state meltdown as cigarette prices rose an average of nine times over the past three months, leaving cigarette companies scratching their heads. "Normal death sales for this fiscal quarter are considerably lower on average," said one anonymous executive on condition of anonymity. "When we started seeing sales skyrocket, and deaths remain relatively constant, we were immediately suspicious."
Yet it was a curious prison worker who brought the entire scheme crashing to earth... again, for prisoner #61727-054. During a routine monthly cleaning, Patricia Patting, a five year employee of "Kathy's Kleaners," noticed an unusually large quantity of loose cigarettes leading to an unused wing of the prison. Opening the door, she was shocked to see "literally tons and tons" of cigarettes, being warehoused by #61727-054 and his co-conspirators, including three prison guards.
Holding his head in his hands, #61727-054 confessed to a "cigarette Ponzai scheme" and agreed to cooperate fully with federal officials to disclose all the cigarette warehouses he had been using since initially incarcerated.
Most of the cigarettes stockpiled by #61727-054, who doesn't smoke, are expected to be "returned to the marketplace" following initial safety inspections.
Wall Street reacted frantically to the news that inmate and colleague #61727-054 was again in the news, sending shares of all cigarette makers to record highs on skyrocketing volume.
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