KENTUCKY - Local entrepreneur Jim "Colonel" Jackson, owner of the "Colonel Chicken" franchise, announced today that he too "hates gay people" and asked for a "ton of free national publicity."
Jackson admitted that until recently he had "really no opinion" on same-sex marriage. However, driving to work today, the restaurateur noticed the long lines outside area Chick-fil-As and had "a religious epiphany."
"I realized that, due to my own deep seated religious convictive belief [sic.]," said Jackson, "like what God says in the Bible and whatnot, that I hate gay people too and also oppose same-sex unions and marriage and so on. So I urge everyone to come to any one of my six great area restaurants and buy all our inventory of fried chicken parts, waffle fries and sodas. I also call on everyone in the media to please, please make MY restaurants a front in this here culture war, sooner rather than later!"
By most accounts, "Colonel Chicken" -- a conspicuous rip-off of "Kentucky Fried Chicken" -- had battled numerous law suits from "Yum! Brands," KFC's parent company and Pepsico spin-off, and was in dire financial straits. Local area patrons, meanwhile, noting the generally "filthy" condition of the restaurants and "ginormous fat content" of the foods, increasingly avoided the chain in lieu of competitors.
None of this, however, had "anything to do" with Jackson's statement, according to Jackson. "This is not a business like decision, it's a deeply held religiously, moral thing, that I feel deep in my guts. Please tell [Mike] Huckabee."
As of filing, no television or radio personalities had mentioned "Colonel Chicken" nor celebrated it's CEO's stance on the controversy.
Photo: Flickr/Eddypedro
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