WASHINGTON -Today the federal government of the United States closed its doors ahead of the highly anticipated government shutdown, likely to have happened within days.  "We are a sadly divided nation," commented Sen. Bill BIllington (Montana).  "This used to be a no-brainer, but these days [the continuing resolution has become] a straw man for every gripe, grievance, and petty political issue that every member has.  Instead of a forum for governing, Congress has become an adult daycare center for its enfeebled members to grouse nonsensically about populist bullshit for the cameras while the country spins in freefall down the proverbial crapper."

"What he said," added Sen. Sandy Tomwallace (New York).

Government leaders announced the pre-emptive shutdown at a hastily prepared press conference this morning.  "We're closing down the government ahead of this looming shutdown as it's simply the right thing to do for the American people," said spokesman Jackie Mann.

"Why?" shouted one reporter, I think she was from the L.A. Times.

"Because, like I said, responsibility," Mann said.

"Yes, but how is that responsible?"

At this point the press conference was shut down.

This action preempted a shutdown which would have been the result of weeks of negotiating obstacles from both sides of the aisle, party leaders who have failed to reach any sort of agreement on anything.  "One thing is certain," said Republican Leader Jim Jimmy, "we are at an impasse."

"I disagree," said Democratic Leader James Jameston.

"Actually, we are not at an impasse, more like a hurdle," recanted Jimmy.  "A large hurdle, like 50 or 100 stories high.  That big of a hurdle."

"More like 20 or 30 stories," commented Jameston.

Wall Street, predictably, tore the t-shirt off its bro, and handed it as a napkin to the Nikkei who'd asked for one mere moments earlier.  It then proceeded to high-five the FTSE and the DAX, do four quick shots of premium tequila, run in place for 5 coked-up minutes, before collapsing in the middle of a brisk mid-day rally.