Ho Ho Ho: Re-gifting For Jerks

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year^TM, according to many experts in the field, including greeting card companies and ye olde crooners like Andy Williams.  It’s time to gather the family around the fireplace and drink all sorts of nog – egg-nog, cinnamon-toast-nog, pumpkin-spice-nog, all generously laced with rum and brandy – so the adults get X-mas happy while the kids carefully rehearse how many toys they want, including every major A-list game title, nextgen console upgrade, and which $4,000+ new gaming rig they can’t live without.

It is, therefore, also a time for great indebtedness for parents, which makes it the perfect time for re-gifting!  That is, taking all the unwanted crap people have gifted to you, and gifting them (ideally) to someone else, so you don’t have to squander your hard-earned, inflation ravaged moola. It just makes solid financial sense.

This can be a sensitive matter, giving someone your gift.  You run the risk of embarrassment or retaliation unless you don’t particularly care.  If this describes you, read on, chumply, read on.

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Starbucks Settles With Tired Man Who Accidentially Used Eggnog in Coffee

TACOMA – An exhausted father of four yesterday morning accidentally used eggnog instead of creamer in his morning coffee, and within hours was surprised to learn that he was being sued by caffeine-conglomerate Starbucks by noon.

“Anyone in the continental U.S. who dumps any kind of crap into coffee is in direct violation of one or more of our [Starbuck’s] incredibly broad patents, trademarks, or copyrights,” explained fast-talking, visibly shaking Senior Legal Counsel Irwin Manner, drinking a Venti, half-soy, half-almond milk, extra hot, split quad shots, no foam, two pumps of vanilla syrup, one pump of hazelnut syrup, one and a half pumps of caramel syrup, three shakes of cinnamon, two shakes of nutmeg, a sprinkle of cocoa powder, a sprinkle of matcha powder, and a drizzle of chocolate on top.  His cup was labelled “IRVEM.”

The man – UW Tacoma professor of wombat physiology Kal Ripkin – was surprised to learn that, besides the injunction preventing him from drinking his coffee creation (which he’d already done), the lawsuit also sought damages of more than $2 million.  “May as well be $200 million,” commented Ripkin, laughing.

The case was settled out-of-court this morning for an undisclosed sum, although insiders (Ripkin) have suggested it was $0 with a promise to “not do it again.”

Wall Street took a quick look at Starbucks stock, deciding instead to roast Dunkin Donuts over an open fire, peeling 18% off the price in frenzied selling.  By mid-day, the Street had also discounted stocks of dairy and convenience food producers, before lapping them back up for a quick profit and cutting out for dinner at Danny Humm’s Eleven Park near Credit Suisse.

New House Speaker Reveals Bold New Strategy of Ignoring Democratic Agenda

WASHINGTON - Today Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (maybe John Mikeson?) announced that his new legislative strategy would "wildly differ" from his predecessor in that he intended to "deny President Biden's agenda" and "ignore Democratic bills."

"Unlike my predecessor, who consistently thwarted Democratic initiatives while frustrating President Biden," explained Johnson, "I, instead, intend to ignore those bills, while actively working to deny anything the President wishes to accomplish."

Fellow Republicans have embraced the radically new agenda.  "This is so completely different than before, it's almost enough to make us all forget how irrelevant and meaningless we are since Trump hijacked the party and aligned us with Russia," said one senior Republican member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being insulted by right-wing media.  "Man have we done an about-face since McCarthyism."

Democrats, meanwhile, having been exhausted by pointing out such glaring inconsistencies, simply ignored the change in leadership.  "Whatever," said one senior Democrat, who we didn't recognize nor did she tell us who she was.

Wall Street reacted predictably, rewarding defense stocks and punishing all others, before knocking off early for the weekend.  "Whatever," snorted the Street, doing a few quick lines of coke before speeding off in its McLaren 720S for the Hamptons.