IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Dear T.BAG,
I've been thinking of taking my Roth 401k in cash and buying coke from this guy I met at a biker bar in Soho. What kind of returns should I expect? Should I buy H instead?

Confused CPA in New York

Dear Cocaine Providing Ami,

You call yourself an investor? You can’t just cash in and buy a bunch of Coke, that’s a terrible investment. In this down economy you have to disperse your assets appropriately. So you should buy some blow and then spend the rest on parties/hookers. Who sits around doing lines by themselves?? I got a few people in the East Village that’ll kick over an 8 ball for about two Bennies. Now, if you want the pure stuff, I’ve got a guy in Manhattan that goes by “Gekko”.

Hold on for a second, I’m getting my tickets confirmed for an upcoming NY trip. How much is a taxi from JFK to SoHo?

"Excuse me, are you from Queens?" Nature will do the rest.If you do the Big H, the Dope, the Dragon, the Black Pearl, the China White, the Junk, the Mexican Mud or whatever inspiring name the kids are giving it these days, remember one thing- you’ll inevitably share needles while doing so. You know the dangers of sharing needles, right? That’s correct, unsightly bruising and scabs on your inner arm. That’s just not cool, man. I mean, Oscar de la Renta’s fall collection is full of 3/4 length sleeves this year. Like capris for your torso.

Tickets are booked. How big is your apt? Never mind, cocaine’s not a relaxant anyway.

On to the question of estrogen themed entertainment: while certain esteemed writers can afford international tail, I have a far better cheaper solution for you, my soon-to-be-swimming-in-snow friend. As luck would have it, the freshmen class at NYU is just starting up. All you have to do is get $50, walk up to one of the girls on campus and say, “Excuse me, are you from Queens?” Nature will do the rest.

401Ks take some time to cash out, so start now. I already have a dime bag of ragweed coming your way. And don’t let anyone tell you that freebasing is a bad thing; it cured my alcoholism.

-T.BAG