IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Dear T.BAG,
I think I have dandruff and the commercials have terrified me! Am I totally unlovable thanks to all these itchy flakes?

Itchy & Scratchy in Alabama

Dear Bitchy&Snatchy,

Do I look like any kind of hygiene expert to you? Hell, I don’t even use nail clippers, I just use my teeth. Sometimes on my toes too..... sometimes on other people’s toes. Dammit, you’re going to make me do research for this question, aren’t you? Maybe you’re unloved because you’re selfish.

Did you know that in ancient times the solution for dandruff was stoning? Yeah, they’d try to get rid of the dandruff by stoning it off. Ancient man was stupid. Also, ancient man didn’t have very good aim, so you can imagine what the eventual outcome was of this scenario. Regardless, the net result was, no one would have to deal with that guy’s bad preening habits anymore, i.e.- no more dandruff. Ancient man was efficient.

In the animal kingdom, dandruff is often dealt with by social grooming. For example, rhesus monkeys will groom their offspring by picking through and eating pests that live in each other’s fur. This creates very strong emotional bonds in the monkeys. B & S, do you have a family member that will do this for you? If they won’t, it would further prove your unlovability.

By the way, while grooming makes monkeys emotionally connected to other monkeys, don’t try this on your friends, they won’t appreciate it as much. I guess they don’t understand monkeys. Also, don’t try this on: Starbucks baristas, bums, or any member of the funk/soul band The Commodores. Lionel seemed to get especially upset.

Dandruff is often caused by oily skin, dry skin, or a fungus. Considering that Irreverent Magazine had to call in their anthrax specialist just to open your letter, I would guess you have all all three. First, I might suggest emulating Howard Hughes in any way, shape, or form. Additionally, a cocktail of talcum powder, lotion, and anti fungal treatments taken externally might be a good idea. Heck, take ‘em internally too, the more the better. Probably.

Listen Bitchy, unless you want to be stoned by ancient man, I suggest you get a family member to groom you and rub that cocktail all over you.

Also, I hear they make good shampoos now.

-T.BAGged