Dear T.BAG,
I used to think Marsha was hot [in the Brady Bunch], but recently I’ve started whacking to Betty from the Flintstones. Should I tell Marsha or keep living a lie?
CBookGuy in Florida
Dear CLooksGay,
You’re right, Marsha was hot. According to my sources (the internet) she no longer is. Betty is a fine substitute for the handy shandy, but I wonder why you wouldn’t take it all the way and simply shuck the corn to Jessica Rabbit? Have you discussed other worthy cartoon substitutes with your family or random children? They’re really the best source for knowing what’s out there. (Please note: only discuss the cartoons with these individuals, do not discuss why you want to know. This is why my cousin Tito isn’t allowed near high schools anymore.)
Additionally, Disney has a whole host of female characters whose measurements would make them adult film stars in the real world. Those gender parodies are often coupled with over-compensating testosteroney male characters employed to show little boys what the world was like in the dark ages. It’s a great lesson right up until puberty hits and those same kids are trampled by the concepts of ‘historical puritanism’, ‘sexual revolution’, and ‘sensitive 90s guys’ all mixed together. This desensitizes the male to the norms of gender roles and instead of finding appropriate companionship, the guy spends his days playing his meat trombone while watching the Brady Bun…….
Oh yeah….I found Marsha’s [Maureen McCormick’s] phone number and home address through some investigative research (the internet). I think you should visit her and explain how your feelings have changed. You definitely want to let her know that the she’s ruined the five knuckle shuffle for you. Heck, maybe she’ll tell you that she has similar issues when she’s alone and is busy fluxing the capacitor. Similarities are a good way to build rapport with someone.
By the way, don’t stop contacting her until you get your point across. Catharsis is an important part of this process.
-T.BAG
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