BEVERLY HILLS - In response to a 0.3 Richter-scale quake last night, global emergency services have violently re-focused on Rodeo Drive.
LAX today is functioning smoothly as relief agencies began landing food and supplies in a continuous stream since last evening's minor earthquake left three celebrities homeless and countless others "minorly inconvenienced" on their way to work this morning. The celebrities -- who were only in town for last night's Golden Globe awards -- have petitioned the United Nations for protection, and were immediately granted a division of global peace-keeper forces flown in from Haiti.
"We have damage estimates in the tens of thousands so far," said Beverly Hills mayor John Dinsdale IV. "Sidewalks have cracked, classic automobiles have been disturbed, and many dozens of mansions suffered the permanent loss of thousands of dollars of art, heirlooms, and furniture. In response, my office has immediately dispatched police and other emergency personnel to secure the areas affected and ensure the continuation of basic social services to those in need."
So far, however, police haven't arrested anyone related to looting or other earthquake-related crimes of opportunity. Beverly Hills police blotters remain heavy with traffic violations, minor burglaries, and loitering.
Local area news casts have focused exclusively on the situation since 11:39p.m. last night, when the quake struck, and are expected to continue around the clock until the situation stabilizes.
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