BEVERLY HILLS - Celebrity Ahnuld Schwarzenegger surprised nobody today by admitting he "slept around" his whole life.
"I am Ahnuld Schwarzenegger," Schwarzenegger said, "of course I slept around with many, many women! Does anyone seriously think I was monogamous, ever?" the celebrity asked the gathering of reporters, who each gave a bored shrug. "See!! This is what I'm talking about!" the actor shouted emphatically, but by then reporters were simply doodling on their notepads.
"Personally, I would have to declare Maria [Shriver] mentally incompetent if she truly, sincerely believed Schwarzenegger wasn't fooling around," said Dr. Jack Harkin, celebrity psychologist and author of "Well DUH! The Top Ten Celebrity Revelations That Weren't." "She was hardly a babe in the woods. Dead people saw this coming down Rodeo Drive, like one of those Homer Simpson blimps they use for the Christmas Day parade."
"When you hook up with a celebrity like Schwarzenegger," said another celebrity, who spoke to IRREVERENT anonymously, "you know what you're getting into. This guy has tiger blood by the bucket, it's like, DUH! Of course he's WINNING! You dumb fucking trolls are surprised? Zing, bing, bang, GONE!!"
MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's
Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas
(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and