LOS ANGELES – This afternoon police officer Tia Blanch was arrested by police for “impersonating a police officer” while trick-or-treating with her children. “We were responding to various complaints, some of which were, frankly, hard to believe,” explained police sergeant Bill Williams. “We ended up arresting quite a few colorful characters before spotting this person dressed up like an officer,” explained Williams. “It’s one thing if you want to go out and walk around looking like a mummy, a vampire, or Donald Trump – all of whom we’d arrested earlier. But it’s another thing entirely if you stroll around in a police uniform, especially with your impressionable young children, while they go begging for food and such. I don’t know what she was thinking.”
When IRREVERENT told officer Williams that Tia Blanch was, in fact, an actual police officer and part of L.A.P.D., Williams doubled-down. “Well that’s for the court to decide,” he added.
Early this evening, municipal judge Harry Potash dismissed the case after a shared round of hearty laughter in the courtroom. “Some of our on-duty police officers, it seems, should ease-up on the overtime,” Potash said.
Outside the courtroom a group of conservative activists had already gathered with signs proclaiming, “We Back The Badge,” but dispersed soon after hearing the case details and becoming too confused to protest.
Wall Street, having just finished a particularly heroic Chef Nozomu tasting menu at Noz, leaned back and took a puff from its cigar, blowing smoke over the NASDAQ sitting at the next table, trying to have an intimate dinner experience with the KOSDAQ.
NEW YORK - A woman captured this morning in several disheveled, candid street shots was ultimately determined to be "absolutely nobody famous," after being sold to the tabloids.
"She looked so dressed down, so ratty and nondescript, it had to be deliberate," said Jack Jenkins, a freelance photographer who took the pictures this morning. "But it turns out she was just an ordinary slob walking to Trader Joe's that looked like hell."
The woman has since been identified as Karen Watts, 35, a freelance architect and single mother, who had run out of coffee and was, in fact, heading to a nearby Starbucks. "I didn't even see this guy," Watts said, referring to Jenkins.
Jim "Jimmy" Jameson, photo editor for The New Daily News, called the photos "exactly the kinda crap you'd expect an Amal Clooney, Julia Roberts, or Taylor Swift to pull." "It was hard to tell who it was, but I figured buy them quick before some other rag has it," Jameson explained. "Later we realized that it really was nobody and fed them to the shredder."
Wall Street, like everyone else in the world, ignored the news completely, instead focusing on a particularly juicy IPO it'd been keeping its eyes on lately. After losing its shirt in an unexpected late morning sell-off, the Street bellied up to the afternoon trading session full of vengeance, tearing pharma, defense, and consumer electronic stocks a brand new one before knocking off early for drinks.
Back when truth or accuracy still mattered, I was not a “boomer.” I was part of the greatest generation ever conceived: Gen-X. We told this to ourselves all the time. And everyone else listened too because we were in that “magic quadrant” of consumerism: that 18-24 year old sweet spot where every advertiser tries to sell you everything, so they listen to everything you say, like a guy at a bar trying to get into your pants. All the attention makes you feel special, not that we needed any help in that department.
Meanwhile, the real jerks were the hippie “boomers,” the generation before us, which screwed up everything and had love-ins throughout college, unlike us who were stuck in computer lab. They were the reason we were never going to see a dime of social security. They were the reason we had global warming. They were the reason why the job market sucked so bad, the “worst in a generation.” In short, they sucked.
If you had any doubts then, just ask us, we’d tell you: boomers sucked.
WASHINGTON D.C. - In a unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that "cash and gifts" to U.S. Supreme Court justices are "completely lawful.. and furthermore, awesome."
"Well, so that happened," noted Professor Hugh Farnsworth, professor of legal ethics at Harvard University, throwing a book of ethics out his window.
The ruling is widely expected to pave the way for all sorts of gifts to legally flow into justice's coffers. Chief Justice Roberts, speaking from a private jet coming back from a Swiss vacation, told IRREVERENT that "this should answer once and for all... the so-called 'ethical challenges' of this court."
Wall Street, awakened from its early afternoon power-nap, growled loudly before going on a buying spree throughout the mid-afternoon trading session, only to go on a mass sell-off before the close on rumors that the NIKKEI was cheating on him with the FTSE.
FLORIDA - Former reality-television star Donald Trump today was found guilty of fraud by the New York judge handling the case. At a rally near the actor's Mar-a-Lago resort-home, supporters went from merely "angry" to outright "frenzy" status on the news, as determined by A.I. Crowd Reader, a new phone app for taking the "emotional temperature" of gathered crowds.
"The crowd was definitely in 'frenzy' territory," explained ACR CEO Sam Frenkin. "At this point they're basically one stupid remark or idiotic slogan away from destroying a small town or village, whatever happens to be nearby."
Trump, meanwhile -- dozens of feet away from the crowd -- dismissed the judge's ruling as a "non-event" that "many, many people have said never even happened." "Yes, I read the reports on my phone, well my assistant did, ok my youngest son did, he read it to me," Trump told reporters. "Immediately many people around me starting saying that it was completely untrue, that they never read that, and in fact, when I grabbed the phone back from him, my son, it wasn't there either. So now I'm thinking it probably never happened in the first place."
Nevertheless, New York Judge William Billington -- who insisted that he "existed" -- confirmed that he "did in fact rule against him [Trump]," finding him liable for reporting fraudulent financial statements for nearly a decade. "Yes, it actually happened," confirmed Judge Billington.
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