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'Tis the season for detecting epilepsy in your family members. It's "twinkle light" time, folks! I watched my next door neighbor hang his twinkly lights that are loosely designed to resemble icicles. This man should consider a career in the circus. He must have missed this year's ladder safety training. I don't know if all of you realize this, but there ARE instructions on your ladder. When they tell you that this ladder is to be placed on a level surface and you are NOT to step above the yellow part, they mean it.

When did twinkle lights become more important to us than the safety and well being of our family members? I see this every year, wives standing on the ground or in the doorway pointing out that the lights are sagging or not EXACTLY lining the gutter. Come on guys, get over that fear of falling 4 stories to your death, and hang the damn lights so that the whole neighborhood can be in awe of how perfectly straight they are!

For me, twinkly lights are the core symbolism of the Christmas season. I drive past people's homes with string upon string of twinkly lights all blinking in different rhythms, colors clashing and making your head hurt, perfectly lined gutters with trees that look like a midget just threw them randomly in the air, and where they land is where they stay. What the hell is wrong with you people?? Listen to me. I don't know who the hell came up with the idea that red and green should EVER be used together in decorating. I do know this though, that big inflatable snow globe that contains a man with a beer belly wearing a red suit, and little people that resemble children is obnoxious and really does not help to accentuate the blinking blue ice cycle lights hanging from your porch railing. By far, my favorite pointless holiday decoration has to be the cemetery wreath, it ranks right up there with the flagpole with lights creatively strung from the top to resemble a pine cone. Oh sorry, that was pagan/Wiccan symbolism. You mean it to look like a tree, huh? Oh well, you should know that is pagan too. Yes, that's right. Jesus had NOTHING to do with pine trees. That is a little detail you should have investigated before you stole the symbolism for your "Christian holiday". But I digress, back to cemetery wreaths. You do know that whoever is buried there is dead, right? I am just asking because I can not figure how this is a reasonable tradition. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like driving past a vast sea of death and seeing hundreds of green circles with red bows on them.

I also question this little decorating contradiction. Why the hell do you have Santa on the roof in a red sleigh and pulled by reindeer while displaying a Nativity scene in the front lawn? Why not light a menorah and hang the star of David from your tree just to make sure you have all the bases covered! Now, don't forget about hanging strings of blinking stars and snowflakes all around your red, green and black candles. You don't know what that is? Ok, it is for Kwanzaa celebrations. I know, I know, "that is just a made up holiday, blah blah..." Are you kidding me? You jackasses worship the idea of a child born to a virgin (you need to look up the word virgin), and being given gifts from kings who travelled HOW FAR following just a star, all the while believing some shit about a fat man breaking into your home to bring you shit that YOU just bought. YET, you call THAT holiday made up? Seriously?

Ok so, I am willing to let all of that slide. As ridiculous as it all is, I get it. You want a reason to shop. That is all this boils down to, right? We have to shop for the newest decorations. We have to shop for our co workers that we bitch about everyday. We have to shop for our already over indulged children. We have to shop for the inlaws that you see once a year ONLY because you have to. Wait a minute. Am i missing the point here? Maybe I am. Let me do some thinking on it.

I am done thinking now. This is the conclusion that I have come to. You are all full of shit. How do you hear terms like "Black Friday", "biggest shopping day of the year", "Christmas madness sale" and really think that this holiday has anything to do with anything other than greed? You call this the "season for sharing and giving", but come on now. I hear people complain about their gifts, compare the monetary value of one gift versus another, complain about the "stress of the season", and I think you are all insane.

Someone PLEASE explain to me how the birth of "the son of god" and being brought gifts from three kings translates into "Black Friday". For those of you who don't know what that actually means, it means the day that retail stores go "into the black", in other words, MAKE THE MOST MONEY!

HAHA, and you Christians use the term "Jewish" for being greedy or cheap. Go buy another set of twinkle lights and scream at your husband to hang them straight. Just please thank the pagans for 90% of your stupid Christian tradition. Have fun at church on Christmas, just make sure you buy a new outfit for the occasion, Petite Sophisticate needs to make it into the black.

I will be at home with my kids, living in the real world and explaining to them where these traditions really come from, and what sharing actually is. I know that sounds crazy, but it works for me. We will have fun, relax and enjoy each other's company, whether or not Wal Mart makes it into the black. Your nativity scene and twinkle lights may say Christmas to you, but family and love are what your stupid commercial holiday means to me. Thank you, I will steal it from you the same way you have stolen it for hundreds of years. Thanks again, and Merry fuckin Christmas holiday shoppers!