IRREVERENT News

NORTH POLE - Santa was struck hard this week with the H1N1 virus following an earlier outbreak in his reindeer herd.

Little is known about the jolly fat man's status this hour as North Pole Emergency Services rank among the world's worst, directly behind Sri Lanka and mere inches above the United States, according to the latest W.H.O. report. What the world does know has been released through a series of hastily prepared press conferences run by Santa's Wife, simulcast over the Internet.

"Santa wasn't feeling very well for the past month or so," Santa's Wife reported, "but we mostly thought that was just the binge eating and drinking before Xmas. He has 500 lbs to gain in the last quarter of the year, and that wreaks havoc on his body. This year, though, the constant vomiting and explosive diarrhea were much worse than normal. After Rudolph, we knew it had to be this new fangled flu."

Rudolph, perhaps the best known of Santa's reindeer, was checked into the same hospital earlier in December after his nose had reportedly been "sneezed off" during a particularly potent reaction to the H1N1 virus.  He has been joined since by 10 other reindeer, filling the hospital's livestock ward to capacity.

As is the tradition, Santa himself has not been seen in public since last year and is not expected to appear, even to reassure the world that his Xmas travels will take place on schedule. Nevertheless, sources close to the Claus family have confirmed that Santa's "health is extremely fragile... [and] he's in critical condition" at Our Lady of Acceptable Loss, the North Pole's only general hospital.

Wall Street reacted swiftly to the prospect of slightly less Xmas season profit by beating the hell out of major retailers, wholesalers, and distributors, inflicting grievous harm on stocks of Amazon, Walmart, and Target.  The Street only paused for a quick line of coke and a Red Bull before storming into afternoon trading with a bloody nose and sack full of money.