DETROIT -- In a surprise announcement, auto makers General Motors and Chrysler have decided to "cease car production" at all of their factories to devote themselves "full-time to seeking government economic relief."
"Making cars is expensive, hard work," said G.M. Chairman Edward Fitzgerald at a joint press conference. "Ultimately, we realized it was much more profitable to spend our remaining capital on lawyers, political action committees, and lobbyists to seek additional economic relief from the Federal Government."
"Yeah, ditto that," said Chrysler C.E.O. Harold Heroldson, holding a tumbler of scotch and a cigar.
The news took most industry analysts by surprise. "Ummm, well, huh," started Stanley Stanton, an auto-industry analyst at the Cato Institute. "Well, that kinda defeats the whole purpose...um... of the bailout, doesn't it? They.. they can't just do that, can they?"
Meanwhile, some watchdogs and nearly all bloggers were oddly unperturbed. "It's about time the American auto industry realized that the only thing it has done consistently well is get and spend money," said one industry blogger from "bigthreewatch.com." "Frankly, they should've adopted this business model years ago and left actual auto production to foreign companies that do it better and cheaper."
"This marks a new era in the American auto industry: not actually making cars," noted Chairman Fitzgerald at the press conference. "We hope that the American taxpayers can see our new strategy for what it is: focusing on our core competencies, dramatically cutting our operating costs, and boosting our profit margins to a healthy level in these trying economic times."
Wall Street reacted hysterically to the automakers' annoucement, spitting out a mouthful of coffee all over its new, white shirt before running wild and naked through the early morning trading session. Shares of G.M., Chrysler and Ford (who is widely believed to follow suit) shot up substantially, beating out all other stocks by a nearly 2-1 margin on staggering volume.
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