President Announces Census Reform

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WASHINGTON - After being frustrated with the census, today President Obama announced wide-scale Census Reform.

Frustrated by his own recent attempts to fill out his census forms, President Obama today announced a new initiative to overhaul the collection of population data. "Today I'm announcing a new initiative to overhaul the collection of population data. In order to facilitate this reform, I'm also announcing the release of 17 billion dollars in unallocated TARP money straight into the accounts of Goldman-Sachs."

"Look we need to reform the Census," the President continued. "I mean why do we still do this on paper? Are you telling me our citizen's financial information can be more readily trusted to the intertubes than how many of them live under the same roof? C'mon people it's the damned 21st century already!"

U.S. Census Bureau Director Dr. Robert Groves immediately sent a telegram to the President protesting the technology burden this would place on bureau resources. The telegram is widely expected to arrive by Wednesday.

The president's proposal met with the usual firestorm of controversy particularly from Republicans concerned about privacy rights. "Hey, I'm Republican that's concerned about privacy rights," said Republican Senator John McCain. "We can't expose the people of the United States to fraud on such a wide scale. I propose that we privatize the census and let Nielsen handle it. They can just count the number of people tuned into TV at any one time, that's virtually the same thing."

"And, make no mistake about it, I'm NOT A MAVERICK," the senator emphasized. "A Comet maybe, but no Maverick."

Reached for comment about the plan, Goldman Sachs spokesgnome James Graballyacan welcomed the president's proposal. "We think the president is on the right track with census reform. In fact are pleased to announce that, in the interest of public spiritedness GS will be taking not only the president's proposed stimulus, but will also be willing to accept another 100 billion dollars to get the project off onto a sound footing."

In Wonderland, Texas, Maddie Hatar, a spokesperson for the American Birther Tea Party (Dormouse Chapter) spoke passionately against the president's proposal. "Of course this foreigner wants to make the census electronic. You can't fake electronic documents can you? Can't prove you're a citizen with a bunch of electrons, right?"

Ms. Hatar then smiled mysteriously as she vanished slowly leaving only an insane grin.

Cryptically, Wall Street reacted negatively to the news despite the injection of fresh capital straight into the pockets of Goldman-Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. Observations from the trading floor suggested they were too busy playing with their iPads to actually read the story.