WASHINGTON - Despite numerous eleventh-hour pleas from Pro-Turkey advocates, "Courage" The Turkey was executed at 7:15 A.M. EST.
In a precedent-setting move, the White House today did not pardon "Courage" The Turkey, instead opting to have the bird killed and prepared for the first family's Thanksgiving meal later today. White House staffers characterized the Obama Administration's break with tradition "a necessary step in the war on terror," but refused to elaborate further.
Courage was reportedly granted its "requested" last meal, consisting of various grasses, acorns, fruit parts, and seeds, before being led to the White House kitchen by armed U.S. Marshals and beheaded by assistant White House Chef Sam Kass. The cleaning and dressing of the 27 lb. bird then took less than an hour.
"Although we realize this decision will not be well-received by all Americans," President Obama wrote in a statement to the press, "it was not taken lightly, and many, many factors considered before I reached my final verdict. In the end, however, I was forced to realize that 'Courage,' was, in fact, a tasty looking bird that would look fantastic on the White House dining table."
Members of The Franklin Society -- a militantly pro-turkey group founded in 1788 by founding father Ben Franklin -- voiced bitter disdain for the President's actions, calling the "order to execute Courage..., barbaric, inhumane, and a cruel wake-up call for all those who believe that poultry rights have actually advanced since the Enlightenment." They promised further protests and have already included the incident in their monthly newsletter "The Franklin Intelligencer," along with a fund-raising pamphlet.
Closed for the holiday, Wall Street reacted very little to the news, more concerned with nursing its Jack and Coke as it relaxed in a local tavern. Eventually noting that the "turkey... was meant to be eaten anyway," the Street then burped, ordered another round for everyone in the bar, and resumed poking listlessly at its medium-rare steak and fries.
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