IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.

AMERICA - With "Black Friday" a mere week away, mobs in most urban areas have already formed outside shopping centers.

Black Week 2010, New YorkWith most analysts predicting a "modest" death toll near 8,500 throughout the country, the "Black Week" kicked off early this morning with only 2,344 injuries reported so far.

"We find this an encouraging sign that the economy is recovering," said Jim "James" Jamison III, from the Brookheimer Institute for Consumer Economics at Harvard University.  "Whenever consumers risk injury or even death to knock off 20 or 30% from a television or camcorder, it's always a good thing."

Other analysts, however, are reserving judgement.  "I think it's far, far too early to tell how this year's holiday sales are going to run, based on a single early mob death projection," cautioned Wilma P. Barnum VI, Senior Shopping Analyst from the Clouseau Policy Think Tank.  "The early death projections can be a misleading statistic.  Yes, it is a generally good indicator of shopping frenzy and determination -- and thus correlates well with seasonal sales volumes -- but let's not forget the lesson from 9/11.  In 2001, the holiday death toll was something like 11,000+, and sales were all but flat-lined.  It's still too early to tell if this is anything more than an expression of the populace's extreme paranoia and angst."

Photo: Marieke Kuijjer

IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.

Support IRREVERENT

Buy Me A Coffee

More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1