More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1

LANGLEY - Asst. Dir. Stan Hermann today told friends and coworkers he wished "half the C.I.A. conspiracies on the internet were true."

Assistant Director of Operations Stan Hermann today openly wished that half of internet C.I.A. conspiracy theories were actually true."Look at this one," Hermann said, pointing to his computer monitor. "C.I.A. controls millions of people using microwave-based mind control. Yeah right! Sure we did that M.K. Ultra thing like a hundred years ago, but we ended up just getting people hooked on dope, truth be told. Who believes this stuff? If we really could control so many people, how'd they write the article, huh?"

"He's been on this kick for about a week now," said Maggie Johnson, C.I.A. Under Deputy for South Pacific Operations who occupies the office next to Hermann. "It starts just after he gets in. All day I hear him saying, 'AH! What are you talking about? Is everyone so gullible?' At first I asked him what he was so excited about, you know to be friendly. Now it's just annoying."

Hermann's boss, Operations Director Bill Worthington III, thinks Hermann is going through a phase after the boat he bought earlier this year ended up costing Hermann thousands of dollars in repairs and upkeep, much more than he'd anticipated. "Ever since then, he's had this real chip on his shoulder," said Worthington.

"Yes, yes, we tried to kill Castro, ok?" said Hermann, talking to his computer monitor. "Get over it! But how does that mean we killed all these other guys? Ok, except for this one," he added, pointing to one figure. "Yeah we did that one."

Later, Hermann waxed philosophic. "I wish half of this stuff was true," confessed Hermann, sneaking a cigarette in the yard at C.I.A.'s Langley compound. "It would make our jobs a lot easier, that's for sure."

NOTE: Portions of this piece were redacted on the grounds of National Security, and will appear on Wikileaks at an undisclosed later time.

Photo Credit: Flickr/DonkeyHotey, doortoriver