IRREVERENT News

OHIO - In the aftermath at the Thompson ranch today, a public memorial was held to celebrate the lives of a few of the fallen.

The memorial follows Tuesday's tragic events, when serial animal abductor Terry Thompson, released 56 exotic animals from captivity before taking his own life, and the subsequent rounding up and slaughter of the released animals. As the smoke cleared, the world was shocked to learn that among the fallen were Big Bird, Beaker, Smokey the Bear, Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem, and bizarre crossbreed Pepe, who was reported missing in early September.

"Who could forget Pepe's unusual and distinctive speech pattern," said good friend and roommate Kermit The Frog, speaking at the memorial service this morning, standing on three phonebooks. "I will hear him say 'Okay' for the rest of my days. The universe has lost something truly original, if highly annoying."

[inset pos=right]"The universe has lost something truly original, if highly annoying."[/inset]"Big Bird suffered from bizarre hallucinations for most of his life," said friend and coworker Maria. "He would see things that weren't there, and for many years, we thought he was insane, or at least psychotic. Then, of course, years later we met Snuffleupagus ourselves, and realized Big Bird had been telling the truth all the time. At that point, most of his restraining orders were dropped. This week, heaven got a new captive."

State Officials responsible for putting down the animals, attended the service as well. "We had no idea that we were shooting Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem," said Sgt. Bill Robertson from the Ohio Department of Game and Wildlife. "He'd lost a lot of weight, and he wasn't even technically an exotic animal, at least not as far as I know. None of them looked like themselves, certainly not how you'd picture them. Smokey The Bear had barely any hair at all left: it looked like it'd been," Robertson paused, "lost in a fire or something. We wouldn't have identified him at all, if it wasn't for his hat. God knows what the guy [Thompson] was doing to these guys."

Several other high-profile critters are suspected to be among the fallen. The weird mutant Gonzo, for instance, missing since July 2010 was long suspected to be held on the Thompson ranch, but his remains have yet to be identified.