“Look,” said the President, nattily attired in gym shorts and a blue blazer after the traditional Saturday pick-up game. “We've got a bunch. of our young men and women returning home from Iraq in a few weeks. They're coming home to record unemployment and, frankly, no hope that things are going to get any better for them what with the PTSD and all. We need the NBA to provide a diversion so that they can forget about their troubles, especially since Christina Aguilera's gotten so fat. And not curvy 'junk in the trunk' fat. The girl's just gross, amiright?”
NBA commissioner David Stern 
responded immediately to President Obama's criticism by suspending him for 15 games and fining him 50,000 dollars. “The NBA is not run for the benefit of the poor, or the unwashed. It's not even run for the benefit of the players. It is run for the benefit of the ownership and, frankly, times have been a little tough. The President is rightly concerned about the welfare of our returning veterans, but has he priced a Ferrari Enzo lately? And what is Mark Cuban supposed to serve with the roast harp seal at his dinner parties? Day-old ground orphan? Perhaps this fine and suspension will teach Mr. Obama to think twice before trying to push the NBA ownership around.”
NFL commissioner Robert Goodell supported Stern's decision calling it “A blow against the greed that is destroying all of professional sports. We hope that our friends in 'the lesser' league will continue to stand firm and show to both their players and our President that we will protect the integrity of our national pastimes no matter the costs to the players' pocketbooks and bodies. Look, nobody wants labor unrest, but unless management takes a strong stand you'll soon have professional athletes making the same outrageous money as public school teachers. Do we really want that?”
Wall Street took immediate advantage of the President's announcement. With seconds left on the shot clock it drove the lane for an easy lay-up and also drew a foul from a blocking 99%'er. Sinking the free throws effortlessly, Wall Street was up 60 points going into the half.
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