IRREVERENT News

EARTH - Everyone on the planet today -- men and women alike -- were unabashed in their bitterness and despair over Heidi Klum's new boyfriend, her bodyguard Martin Kirsten, because it means the rest of us are out of the running.

 "There was a chance, albeit a slim, slim chance that I could possibly have dated [Klum] after her divorce from Seal," said one man in London, speaking on behalf of all men on the planet.  "I knew it was slim, but at least there was hope.  Now forget it."

"I'm not gay or anything," said the man's girlfriend, standing next to him, "but I would totally go lesbo for Heidi."  Both the woman and her boyfriend nodded their agreement.  "I would totally understand," added the boyfriend, without a trace of jealousy.

Seriously, right: I mean we're talking Heidi Klum.

Klum announced her new relationship on Katie Couric's new talk show "Soon To Be Cancelled," which presumably airs on some sort of channel or maybe Hulu. "My relationship with Martin just started," said Klum. "I could've picked any single human being on the planet, but I chose him."

 "Why didn't you at least call me?" asked Couric, dejected and in tears.

"Sorry, honey," said Klum cooly, with a slight German accent.

Wall Street tanked on hearing the announcement, as it, too lost the opportunity.  Drinking a heavy, early lunch of bourbon and Skittles, the Street jumped into a late-morning drunken sell-off, torching stocks of anything even remotely related to the supermodel, stopping short of punishing stocks that would have a large impact on Klum's bottom-line assets.  "There's still a chance in the future, maybe," the Street rationalized, before passing out into a pool of it's own newly formed vomit.