LOS ANGELES – Despite having won no electoral votes and approximately 160 million fewer people votes than both major party candidates, a defiant Kayne West called the election “a total mistravesty of justice” because he received so few votes.
“There’s no way Kayne got no 60k votes,” West tweeted. “I have hired Giuliani and taking this sh*t to the supreme [court]!”
Unaware that West had not yet conceded, election observers were “confounded” to learn that Kayne West was on the ballot in twelve states.
A spokesman for Rudy Giuliani found lurking near a middle-school playground did not comment on any of West’s pending lawsuits, but noted a “$500,000 retainer and $3,500 an hour” agreement.
“I’ve seen TRUCKLOADS of Kayne votes BEING BURNED OUTSIDE DETROIT!” West tweeted earlier, including an Instagram picture of a burning truck in Berlin, Germany from 1998. “THIS SH*T CANNOT STAND!!!!”
In an apparent show of unity, all three members of West’s campaign team and entourage have refused to quit, citing “a sh*tload of irregularities” in each state West was running, although none of them could correctly or consistently identify which states these were. “So we’re just suing all of them,” a man calling himself West’s “chief of staff” told IRREVERENT.
Wall Street predictably ignored the news, instead focusing on a substantial new IPO called “PetRock Co.” which began trading at $19.75 a share, before pouncing up to $51.50 before lunch. Filled with too many martinis and pulled-pork sandwiches, the Street quickly liquidated its position as well as its lunch, spiraling shares to $5.75 by close.