I can't say that I've heard much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the time I've been away from my duties here at this justification for keeping broadband penetration low, and, while that would dismay a lesser man, I'm happy to finally be back behind the keyboard. Not because you've missed me, you clearly haven't, but because it might just make your little, sad, life a tiny bit brighter. I know, I'm a hell of a humanitarian.
Like many of you, I've been affected by what, for lack of a better word, we shall call the economy. Unlike you, I've actually managed to prosper. You see as Mr. Suntori says in his latest book Zen's When, “It's possible to stay afloat when all is draining around you. Be the Ty-D-Bol Man.” Of course when you're hugely in demand as political consultant, a presidential election doesn't hurt the coffers a single bit. Still it left me without much time to act as your loyal correspondent and general guide through the morass that is our current economical state. For that I apologize. To make up for it, I've prepared a great new offer that will put you right in bottom of the giant hole into which the federales are busily shoveling billions of dollars. The best bit is you don't even need to know more about the car industry than the new head of The People's Automotive Corporation. [Formally known as GM—Ed.]
Because I'm a busy man, and because Scott has seen fit to change the bar at Irreverent HQ from “open” to “cash,” I'm going to simply cut and paste the copy from our advertising brochure. I'm extremely proud of this offer because it represents a lot of hard shouting at interns who worked their little fingers to the bone in a misguided attempt to land a job offer upon graduation. Some of them might have had a job offer too, but Ottsamatta University hasn't seen fit to give me a speaking gig lately. So go ahead and read on about this incredible opportunty, I'll join you down below.
OK, maybe the testimony of a guy whose main claim to fame was taking a SAM up the butt doesn’t convince you. Here’s what our competitors have to say.
"Hi, I’m Kevin Trudeau. You know it takes a lot of balls to tell you the debt cures that THEY don’t want you to know. But that’s nothing compared to the stones R.A. Enterprises have. Not only will their patented, yet powerful 7 step program get you on the road to even MORE fiscal solvency, but you’ll also learn 10 powerful strategies to avoid the enormous tax bill coming your way. Hey, we all want to be patriotic right? So be sure to spread the tax burden equally. Let R.A. Enterprises help you help others by making sure they pay their fair share."
Do you have a philosophical problem with the federal government providing all of these bailouts and mortgage relief? Do you think it’s time that failure becomes an option? Do you live your life in paralytic fear over deficit spending and the coming Social Security/Medicare crisis?
Then let our patented Anxiety Aunts™ calm your tortured nerves. As Newsweek says 'We’re all Socialists Now,' so c’mon comrade, for a small additional fee our Anxiety Aunts™ will help you see red so you can rake in the green. It’s your money, it’s time the government gave some of it back. Otherwise it might just go to programs for the poor and when was the last time you saw them throwing a multimillion dollar, clothing optional, bacchanal to celebrate driving the economy into the ground? As a special bonus, if you call right now, Barack Obama will personally send over Tim Geithner to explain the REAL details of the TARP II disbursement. Operators are standing by.***
So what are you waiting for?
Now I realize that many of you might not be in a position to take advantage of this program. Most likely you, or rather your parents, fall into that wide gap of folks that are not wealthy nor behind on their mortgages. I'd like to say that we're working on a system to get government money for them too, but frankly, unlike the federal government, I don't have the stomach for the greed, corruption, and venal debasement required. Plus, like the federal government, I just don't care. If, however, you manage to tear yourself away from Twitter long enough to do something about it****, I'll follow your career with great interest.
*Recent breakthroughs in nano technology allowed us to create the LobbyTronic5000 supercomputer. Capable of more teraflops than a presidential candidate yet still green enough to be powered by one kid’s pinwheel, the LobbyTronic5000, when paired with the equally green, wasabi powered, Hashimoto Suntori, created the optimum plan for getting bailed out by the Feds. After undergoing rigorous testing during the parsimonious Bush administration, the LobbyTronic5000 now stands ready to help you benefit from two years of Democratic control of Pennsylvania Avenue.
**Thanks John. Oh and about that whole Sarah Palin thing: get a sense of humor already. Geez, when we floated that idea during the conference call you were the only one that didn’t get the joke. Good grief when you hire a consultant that also writes [Since when?---Ed.] for the web’s best humor magazine you gotta expect a few hi-jinks. But don’t worry, we’ll take it off your bill.
***Literally, these guys are lucky to have jobs in this economy, you think they’re getting chairs too?”
****Yes I know it'll mean dragging your fat ass out from the basement, but if the Iranians can do it so can you.
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