Somali Pirates Raid Scarf and Parrot Shipments
SOMALIA - In their most daring raids yet, a band of Somali pirates have targeted scarf and parrot cargos exclusively along heavily trafficked sea lanes.
The trend is a "traditional" departure for the normally cash-focused pirates, who have until now focused on kidnapping, extortion, and mayhem.
Brazil Famous for More Than Pubic Hair Removal
RIO DE JANEIRO - Following this week's selection for the 2016 Olympics, Brazilian tourism officials have engaged a massive publicity campaign to raise awareness of the country "beyond pubic hair removal,... carnival, the Copacabana and Ipanema."
"Unless we can change the world's perception of us as a bastion of hot women with no pubic hair," said Fernando Feliz, director of tourism for the city of Rio, "we will have a very bad experience with prostitution in 2016."
Talk Show Hosts Banging Staff Up 500%
NEW YORK - In a bid to boost flagging ratings, this week a gaggle of late night talk show hosts have announced affairs with staffers, betting "The Letterman Effect" will push them to Nielsen nirvana.
Hosts including Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Conan O'Brien have all admitted "wild sexual affairs" with female staffers, some more credibly than others.
Man Creates Stupidest Haunted House
INDIANAPOLIS - A local man this week created the "world's stupidest haunted house" exhibit, as verified by the Guinness Book of World Records.
The exhibit included a talking skeleton, painted with red tempera paint, a sheet with magic marker eyes representing a ghost, and a bowl of cold Kraft mac 'n cheese used to represent "guts and brains."
90th Nobel Peace Prize Explodes Killing Eight
COPENHAGEN - A "joke gone horribly wrong" is to blame for the deaths of 8 people this week, when a prototype Nobel Peace Prize, made out of dynamite, accidentally exploded.
"In retrospect making the statue out of dynamite was funnier on paper," said Niels Jurgens, chief designer in charge of manufacturing the statues.
Soprano's Gandolfini Vouches for Berlusconi
LOS ANGELES - James Gandolfini, former star of HBO's "The Soprano's," stunned friends and co-workers this week by announcing support for embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
"Personally, I like [Prime Minister] Silvio," said the actor. "He's a friend of ours."
Taliban Delegates Trash Paris Fashion Week
PARIS - The fashion world was rocked to its foundation this week when Taliban cultural leaders assaulted major fashion leaders and trashed runways all over Paris.
Known for a more traditional take on high fashion, the Taliban leaders were arrested but "showed no regret at all" after attacking designer Michael Kors and his entourage Tuesday.