SEATTLE - The World's Most Interesting Man is in critical condition today after "messin' with Sasquatch" in the Washington wilderness.
Critically injured after tempting the savage beast with a Dos Equis beer, the World's Most Interesting Man tonight is in "critical but stable" condition in a local area hospital suffering from multiple contusions, a major concussion, fractures of both arms and legs, and massive internal bleeding.
The World's Most Interesting Man gained notoriety shortly after his birth, and at 52 his fans have extended to a worldwide audience as each man or woman is captivated by the Man's every plan, syllable, or action. Those close to the Man have told the press that he was in the Seattle area camping specifically in an area known for "Sasquatch sightings" because it "suddenly and unpredictably intrigued him." "Caught up with a sense of fascination, we followed him here," said Jack Barber, one of the Man's entourage. "We had to see what he would do next!"
On the way to the campsite, however, things took a surreal turn. "We came up over this hill and there at the bottom was this massive, hairy creature, tearing open what looked like a picnic basket," said Barber. "The Man smiled and instantly opened a Dos Equis, leaned out the window and offered it to the beast. Then, without warning, the driver hit the gas, leaving the creature frustrated and without the beer. This happened a couple more times before the beast attacked."
"[The Sasquatch] had clearly had enough of that s***," added Jane Goodall, another of the Man's entourage.
The Man was savagely beaten along with several of his entourage. However, even in the hospital, heavily bandaged, women still want to meet him and other men want to be him, prompting the need for increased security.
Wall Street gathered a bunch of grapefruit and oranges into a large garbage bag and twisted it closed tightly before beating the FTSE within an inch of its life, only escaping when tagged out by the Hong Kong Stock Exchange. The HKSE fought back with a fury, whacking the Street with a folding chair and knocking it nearly unconscious before being tagged out by the Tokyo Exchange, which beat down Hong Kong with a wild swing from its Nikkei. The Street emerged in the final bout with modest gains on a heavy early beating.