NEW ORLEANS - B.P. C.E.O. Tony Hayward promised the world today that their "next massive oil spill" will be cleaned up "in 60 days.... not over 100."
Addressing the press at an informal gathering on the docks today, Hayward admitted that the company's "next major catastrophe" will be "much better coordinated than this one," and promised a "speedy two month time-frame... to address the devastation" rather than "over 100 or so."
The assembled press clapped at the announcement weakly, before Mr. Hayward was tackled by a nearby gang of public relations flaks from Melrose, Pierce and Cheney, on permanent retainer by the petroleum company.
"What Mr. Hayward meant to say," said one P.R. representative, "was that British Petroleum deeply regrets the length of time it has taken to address the situation in the Gulf, and the company is doing absolutely everything possible to ensure such a thing never again occurs anywhere on the planet Earth, in any conceivable way that could even possibly be linked to British Petroleum."
MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's
Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas
(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and