NEW YORK - Prices for December light sweet crude oil futures were pushed up 300% this morning when an influential pit trader sneezed.
The rise, which brought December crude to over $200/barrel, prompted many to helplessly pontificate. "Mandatory Swine flu vaccinations for health care workers are not enough!" said obscenely rich New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "What would happen if one day some trader coughed and sent corn prices rocketing? Or even worse if most of traders couldn't come to work because they were too sick. Economic activity would grind to a halt!"Others saw opportunity in the price spike. "Whereas you humans worry yourselves about issues of family and employment," said billionaire investor Warren Buffet in his daily podcast, "we take every advantage to purchase and own your natural resources without so much as a whimper from your lips."
Buffet's statement, widely interpreted by investors as a "buy recommendation" for December light sweet crude, has only reinforced price levels.
Yet concerns over the health of pit traders continued though much of the morning, causing some to draw comparisons. "This is a little like the September-pork-belly-flatulence incident in 1987," said Earl Warren, Barron's chief investment reporter. "When that guy farted, pork bellies dropped faster than sh** through a goose. My own father lost his retirement savings, all because of that breakfast burrito."
MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's
Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas
(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and