IRREVERENT News

DALLAS - Standing next to his dog, Newt Gingrich today formally announced his plan to "steal Christmas" from "the Whos of Whoville."

It is the first time the presidential candidate has used his forerunner status to announce a specific initiative. "For many years now, I have been concerned with the way the Whos have celebrated Christmas," said Gingrich, fastening antlers to his dog's head. "Like many Americans, the Whos have taken the holiday for granted and are far too happy. By stealing all their presents, I hope to teach them a valuable lesson in the strength of family and the resilience of the local community. Plus make them as miserable as I am."

Gingrich continued to say how much he disliked the Whos and how he wished he could "go nuclear" on Whoville "but won't." "I think this is a particularly bold strategy, especially given the time of year," said Thurston Wetherby, a G.O.P. strategist at Harwell, Binkle & Jeeves. "Most candidates wouldn't associate themselves with stealing presents from little children, and this is the essence of the Gingrich plan: self-sufficiency through loss. Not a great message for a holiday season during a recession, but kudos for having the stones to do it anyway."

Dressed up in a Santa costume, Gingrich showed reporters the sleigh behind him that he was going to use to "rob the Whos... and steal Christmas." "As you can see, the sleigh is huge enough to support my ginormous, Santa-like bulk as well as approximately two tons of presents, trees, and decorations," said Gingrich. "All this weight will be propelled solely by my dog Spot, who you can plainly see is a perfectly normal German shepherd with antlers taped to his skull. Nevertheless, this will give the Whos the illusion that I am, indeed Santa Claus, and allow me unfettered access to their homes. This, along with my enormous fatness -- and the gullibility of small children -- should guarantee the operation is successful."