WASHINGTON - Conservative leaders today voiced their frustration over the lack of remaining "African-American euphemisms."
"We can't just keep calling him a 'foreigner,' 'socialist,' 'communist' or liberal forever," said Ted Tedders, President of the conservative Washington think-tank "StayHere.com," often called the counter-point to MoveOn.org at a local conference for conservative organizers. "We need to find new ways to avoid calling President Obama 'black,' and frankly we're running out of ideas. Even 'unnaturalized citizen' didn't stick and we all thought that was one of our best to date."
"We need bold, new euphemisms to label this President and his policies," said Newt Gingrich, the conference's featured speaker, "or we run the risk of having our code words dated and ignored. We all knew we were in trouble when we started tossing around 'commie.' Please, we need to knock that one off now: as much as we'd all like it, it's not the fifties anymore."
Other conservative insiders, however, were divided on the debate. "If you want a truly impressive track records for an 'all-purpose' type of euphemism," said Ronald R. Reynolds, C.E.O. of the American Conservative Foundation, "you need look no further than 'communist.' Compare almost fifty successful years of labelling virtually anybody we didn't like to 'socialist' or even 'liberal' and you'll see immediately who wins. Yes, sir, 'commie' is your all-in-one, all-purpose label, suitable for framing anyone and any policy whatsoever without a second thought."
Yet others remained unconvinced. "Hell, we all know nobody really knows what the hell a 'socialist' is anyway, let alone an actual 'communist,'" said Jim Jackobmeyer, President and founder of the powerful Conservative Christian Coalition (C.C.C.). "Christ, most people couldn't tell Stalin from Henry Ford, hell even I'm fuzzy. But we can't keep living in the past. If this were 1955 or so, then I'd be all for it, but as it stands now, we need fresh labels for a new generation. Christ knows if we just call him 'black' nobody would take us seriously, so we're in a bind here, folks. We need all your ideas. No name or label is too stupid to be considered."
Meanwhile, Wall Street rose several thousand points in a brisk early morning rally following yesterday's collapse of civilization. When asked for a comment about the conservative conference, the Street burst into laughter, spitting out his coffee over our new suit and white shirt. It then sputtered something about how "clueless" we all were, before stumbling into early afternoon profit taking.
Photo: ©iStockPhoto/RonTech2000
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