OSLO - Documents show Obama's Peace Prize earned by North Korean Twitter negotiations.Documents released today as part of the ongoing investigation into exploding Nobel Peace Prize trophies reveal that rookie President Barak Obama was selected as the recipient of this year's prize for his groundbreaking work in conducting diplomacy via the world's most inexplicably popular social networking site.
The memos, in which the relative merits of each of this year's nominees were debated, pointed to President Obama's international grace and charm but also to his efforts to drag “the ancient art of diplomacy to new, trendy, and 1337 social networking trends. Key among these are his attempts to resolve the nuclear impasse with North Korea via Twitter and his handling of the Afghanistan war via Facebook.”
The White House, which had hoped to keep the negotiations with North Korea secret, despite the 200,000 Twits ® currently following them, confirmed the memos in a hastily called press conference on MySpace. “Look,” typed laffingboi93, official White House MySpace blogger, “This president is well known for his love of technology and his embrace of the Blackberry. Dear Leader Kim is also a total techno-head. It is only right that these two leaders should attempt to lower the threat of nuclear war by using technology born out of the threat of nuclear war growing interconnectivity of the Internet. Besides there are no major geo-political issues that can't be settled in 140 characters or less.”
[inset pos=right]"There are no major geo-political issues that can't be settled in 140 characters or less.”[/inset]At the State Department, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton answered critics of the President's cyber diplomacy. “Hey, I'm an old boomer,” said Secretary Clinton. “I can't even program my VCR without help from Chelsea so I naturally have an affinity for the old ways. Times are changing though and if the President feels that he can conduct sensitive negotiations with 200,000 people watching then he needs to do that. That's what you get when you vote for change over experience dodging bullets in the Balkans.”
Twitter, known among power computer users as “all the fun of IRC in only 140 characters,” issued its own tweeted statement regarding President Obama's actions. “We r hpy 2 play a part n brngng ppl 2gether. Whthr hlpng the ppl of Iran ovrthrw the gvmnt, or svg the wrld frm abmbs, we pwn scl ntwking.” When asked, by old-fashioned email technology, to expand on the statement, Twitter Vice President for Outdated Communications Saul Eversguard responded, “Twitter has a long history of helping people talk to each other. This is simply an extension of that. Of course we'll never lose sight of our responsibility to the sad lonely people of the world who want to believe that someone cares about them bathing the cat.”
Republicans reacted immediately to the news of Twitter's role in international negotiations with a new fund raising letter signed by Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele . “The Republican party is fully aware that this President, with his internationalist tendencies is attempting to Twitterize the entire country. America is a place of individualism, not socialized networking. What's next? Twitter debates over whether your grandmother should live or die? The only way to stop this is to give us even larger sums of money so that we might field more creditable candidates. TARP was not enough. Dig deeper America, or one day you'll wake up and find yourselves compelled to tweet your every action.”
A confused Wall Street experienced losses early on the news of Twitter's international role, but soon picked up once traders realized that “a bunch of tweets” didn't refer to songbirds but instead to the vast consumption of resources for no socially redeeming activity. Stocks then fell again upon the latest report of declining worker productivity due to excessive Internet use in the workplace.