Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook

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MENLO PARK - Highly placed Facebook sources today confirmed that the pending I.P.O. will "dwarf all other human events..throughout history."

Zuckerberg (center) recently had his likeness carved into a godlike statue, which sits in a central display case at Facebook headquarters. The I.P.O., which is anticipated to launch Wednesday, is widely expected to eclipse the 1969 moon landing, the publication of Gutenberg's bible, and the building of the Great Pyramids at Giza combined. "This is, without doubt, the single greatest thing humanity has yet achieved," said C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg, "or, quite frankly, is likely to ever achieve. Today I walk with the Gods. I... I am immortal."

Sources outside the firm, but connected to the I.P.O., have wholeheartedly confirmed Zuckerberg's appraisal. "He is god, or if not THE god, certainly A god," said one investment banker at a prominent Wall Street firm. "Facebook will be the ultimate I.P.O. and the crowning achievement of 21st century capitalism. I have no idea what could possibly come next!"

Stock analysts uniformly agreed. "It's all downhill from this point on," said Hanna Hofmann, a technology industry analyst with Merman Lynch. "May as well cancel the other IPOs this year, pointless."

Although the world is in agreement on its significance, the implications of a more public Facebook have led many pundits to speculate. "When Facebook becomes subject to the same random shareholder whims and politics as other public companies, it's interesting to imagine what the toll will be," wrote Adrian Nulhammer of the techno-geek blog "satanshammer." "But one thing's clear: if you thought the timeline was screwed up now, grab your socks and pull."

Photo Credits: Jason McELweenie, Daaaveee, Farnese Collection/Marie-Lan Nguyen