AMERICA - In a last minute frenzy of desperate, random action, Americans today will decide which candidate they believe will do the least amount of damage to the nation, President Obama, Governor Romney, or nobody at all by wasting their vote on one of the myriad of comical third-party candidates.
Each campaign has made heroic pushes in battleground states over the past 24 hours, sending out a record 347 million spam emails, cold calls, and other extreme annoyances to persuade undecided voters to stay home and not vote. Meanwhile, millions of voters have taken advantage of their state's early voting laws, so that today is just as meaningless and empty a work day as any other.
"I voted three weeks ago," said Irma Badwich, of City Falls, South Dakota. "I'm just gonna get up, feed the cows and horses, then get back to my suicide note. Hopefully I'll finish that puppy before lunchtime."
[inset side="right" title="Getting Out The Message"]"We're hopeful that our message of not voting for the other guy gets out there loud and wide, like Louie Anderson on the Roseanne Barr diet."[/inset]Organizers in several battleground states, meanwhile -- especially Ohio and Florida -- have been working around the clock to make sure that every last dollar in their campaign coffers is spent on as much negative advertising as possible. "We're running terror ads on Hulu, YouTube and all over the Internet," said Dana Carwell, a media buyer for one campaign. "We're hopeful that our message of not voting for the other guy gets out there loud and wide, like Louie Anderson on the Roseanne Barr diet."
Wall Street opened lower today, in anticipation of the election or because it woke up severely hung-over and starving. After taking the Nikkei out for drinks and dancing last night, the evening devolved into many drinks and collapsing by 2a.m. Waking up on the sidewalk outside it's $50 million Park Avenue apartment, the Street vomited for several minutes, emptied a flask of scotch, and finished half a pack of cigarettes before his butler James helped him inside and into bed.
Photo Credit: Lead in photo of man holding head, Flickr/Zach Klein
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