WASHINGTON - The President's national security briefing was interrupted this morning by his neighbor's amazingly loud chainsaw, prompting the President and his staff to look out the window with a disapproving look and finger of shame.
"What the hell is that guy doing?" the President asked the room, prompting shrugs from the national security council.
"Is he... is he trying to.. chainsaw a.. beer?" asked Vice-President Biden
"He is! It's a beer bottle!" said National Security Advisor Susan Rice.
"At 8:30 in the morning?!!" said a clearly irritated President Obama.
"What an asshole," concluded Vice-President Biden.
The Secret Service later released a brief press statement on the incident. "At approximately 0838 this morning, a retired white house neighbor, who had taken it upon himself to chainsaw a particular malted beverage with a 20", 50 cc, model PP5020AV Poulan PRO gas powered chainsaw, was taken into Secret Service custody. Charles Martin Raymond, a retired adult video store proprietor and AARP member, was detained for questioning about why the fuck he chose 0830 on a weekday morning to start his goddamn chainsaw. He was released several hours later. #fingerofshame!"
Wall Street had no reaction at all to the news, choosing instead a gram of uncut Bolivian cocaine and a quick hotdog on the corner before burning everything to the ground in early afternoon trading.